


Gaining Clarity

by Ava_now



Series: Barisi Dads AU--The Tween Years [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Adoption, Anxiety, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Support, Engagement, F/M, Family, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gentle Sex, Head Injury, Loving Husbands, M/M, Marijuana, Memory Loss, Post-Concussion Syndrome, Pregnancy, Rafael Barba is an amazing dad, Running Away, adult therapy, authoritative parenting, child Anxiety, child therapy, chosen family, concussions/mild head trauma, drum solos, personality changes, reunion with biological parent, temporary physical disabilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:00:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28558743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Sonny reached over, playing with Rafael’s hair.  “You doin’ okay, after your mother’s announcement?”Rafael opened his eyes and watched the snow fall for a second before answering.  “Sure...it’s her life.  If it makes her happy, good for her.  Hopefully she picks better this time.”  He motioned to Sonny.  “Can I have another hit?”Passing the joint over, Sonny said, “I think she’s already picked.  And you know he’s a good guy, Rafael.  He’s been around for years.  He’s seen her through two bouts of cancer.  I’ve never seen him even raise his voice to her, and they seem like they adore each other.  Are you really unhappy about this?”*****It's a New Year, and the Barba-Carisis are each facing new challenges.  Rafael is adjusting to the idea of his mother getting remarried and helping to plan a wedding he's not sure he supports.  Additionally, he's trying to help his husband Sonny to fully recover from a bathroom fall, but independent-minded Sonny isn't taking the help easily.  And Marlene, ten, is struggling with the Christmas news that her birth mother is married and pregnant with a baby girl.  There's love, fluff, smut, friends, family, and a cute dog.
Relationships: Amanda Rollins & Marlene Barba-Carisi, Lucia Barba & Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Lucia Barba/Original Male Character(s), Marlene Barba-Carisi & Jesse Rollins, Rafael Barba & Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba & Deb Carisi (Sonny's mom), Rafael Barba & Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Billie Rollins & Jesse Rollins, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Sonny Carisi & Amanda Rollins
Series: Barisi Dads AU--The Tween Years [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015269
Comments: 64
Kudos: 60





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This story picks up present day, directly after Christmas, on New Year's Eve! 
> 
> I did not do research on this but am assuming that marijuana is now legal in New York. It's legal medically here in VA, but not recreationally. Anyway, the nice thing about fiction is that I control the world, and it's legal where they are!
> 
> It was so much fun to do the Advent series, and if you didn't read it but love this series, I hope you'll poke through it at some point. I think I learned some things as a writer, and definitely added a lot of backstory to this family and the AU! But wow, it's a lot to post something every day for 25 days! Whew!
> 
> This will be a multi-chapter fic, similar to the ones before it, with the main theme being an engagement. I really love and appreciate your comments and kudos, and look forward to reading what you think! Hope you enjoy!

  
“What are you doing out here?” Rafael stepped out onto the balcony off their bedroom and immediately coughed, loud and hard. “Is that...are you smoking a joint?”

Sonny drew on the joint again, held it in, then released it slowly, turning his head away from his husband. “Yes it is. Your mother had some left over and offered me a couple.” He glanced up to Rafael and smirked. “Actually, she said you looked like you could use some. I assured her that it wouldn’t go to waste.”

They had been at his mother’s that evening, celebrating New Year’s Eve. He’d known that his mother and his husband had disappeared for a little while into her bedroom, but he hadn’t thought much of it until now.

“C’mon, baby...come sit with me. Take a hit. You’ll feel better.” Sonny patted the empty spot next to him, and Rafael sighed, then begrudgingly sat down. “Here...you know how to do this, right? You just--”

“Do I really look that naive?” Rafael snapped, taking the blunt from his husband. Truth was, he hadn’t smoked one of these since law school, and he’d never been a big fan even then. Rita’d had to teach him, and she’d spent a whole afternoon laughing at how he’d try to breathe it in and then choke on the fumes.

He drew in, held it for a moment, then exhaled. Even though it’d been years, he’d been watching his mother toke on joints since her first round of chemo. She’d been prescribed it during her first bout with breast cancer, and while she didn’t light up as frequently now, he knew that she and Mateo were still fans on the weekends. He had no idea why. The shit stank to high heaven and it didn’t really make a big difference in how he felt. He glanced over at his husband then, and thought, _Sonny is the sexiest motherfucker on planet Earth and he loves me. ME. God Almighty, I’m the luckiest sonofabitch._

Okay. Maybe that was why people did it.

He watched Sonny take another hit, then offer it back to him. “Hmm,” Rafael sighed, higher pitched than usual, “you think I’m really sexy, don’t you, Sonnybaby?” Sonny was grinning at him, and Rafael let himself relax and grin back. He felt good.

“Of course I do, babe. You know you’re the only one for me, no matter what.” Sonny reached over, playing with Rafael’s hair. “You doin’ okay, after your mother’s announcement?”

Rafael opened his eyes and watched the snow fall for a second before answering. “Sure...it’s her life. If it makes her happy, good for her. Hopefully she picks better this time.” He motioned to Sonny. “Can I have another hit?”

Passing the joint over, Sonny said, “I think she’s already picked. And you know he’s a good guy, Rafael. He’s been around for years. He’s seen her through two bouts of cancer. I’ve never seen him even raise his voice to her, and they seem like they adore each other. Are you really unhappy about this?”

_The music was playing and his mother’s guests were roaming about the apartment, chatting with one another and enjoying the wine she’d opened for the occasion. He knew most of the people there, but not everyone--there were a few of the newer employees from the school his mother used to run, plus some of Mateo’s friends and family that Rafael hadn’t met previously. Mateo’s daughter and her husband were there, along with their twins, and Mateo’s brother and sister-in-law. He was having a rather interesting conversation with Laurel O’Downing, the school librarian, when Mateo turned the music off and banged his fork on his glass._

_“Could I have everyone’s attention, please? Just for a minute?”_

_Rafael turned to look at the man and saw his mother sliding in next to him, kissing his cheek. He downed the rest of his wine._

_Mateo’s smile was ear to ear, and so was Lucia’s. “We just wanted to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight with us. The last few years have taught Lucy and I not to take anything for granted, and to enjoy every moment. With that in mind, we wanted to let all of you know that this morning, I asked this beautiful woman to marry me, and after a bit of negotiating, she agreed.” Everyone around them laughed, then clapped, and a couple people even whooped. “We’re calling tonight our engagement party, so you know what this means. Don’t be surprised if the next party you attend here is actually a reception, but you don’t know until after you arrive!” Again, there was laughter and clapping, until another voice broke through the applause._

_“In case you don’t know, my name is Camila Delgado and I’m Mateo’s daughter, and I just want to say how excited we are for you, Papa! And Lucia, welcome to our family!” She raised her glass, and the group followed. “To Mateo and Lucia and a long, happy marriage together!”_

“No, I’m not unhappy for her,” he mused, then took a long drag. After he exhaled, he added, “It just woulda been nice to have a heads up, you know?”

Sonny took his arm from around Rafael and sat up, leaning on his knees. “Y’know, you’re really hard to make happy, Rafael. It seems like no matter what your mom does, she could’ve done it better. They just got engaged this morning, and from the sounds of it, Camila didn’t know either. And it’s not like it’s a surprise...they’ve been talkin’ about gettin’ married for the last year. What would you have done if she eloped? Pitch a fit because she didn’t tell you until after? Or she didn’t get your permission for the honeymoon? Come on, Rafael.”

Rafael closed his eyes and focused on the pleasure he was getting from the weed, the relaxation he felt in becoming one with the furniture. He heard Sonny and knew, far away, that he should be annoyed and irritated. But right now, at this moment, he just didn’t care. “Sonny.” He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at his husband. “It’s New Year’s. I’m high. Wanna get lucky? Or at least satisfied?”

Sonny’s serious expression immediately turned into laughter. “Are you asking me if I wanna fuck you? Because the answer to that is always yes, please!”

Rafael crushed the blunt out in the ashtray and took Sonny’s hand, and both men stepped back inside of their bedroom, closing the door behind them. Sonny immediately reached for Rafael, to ease his husband’s shirt off, and Rafael closed his eyes and smiled. “You gonna stay awake for this?” Sonny asked, and his words were followed by a musical giggle.

“Soleado, you are just sooo...cute!” Rafael giggled back himself, allowing the weed to take over and let him enjoy his husband. “I love you, baby.”

Sonny pulled his own shirt off, then his pants and underwear, tossing everything into the hamper, before unfastening Rafael’s pants and pulling everything down. Rafael kicked his pants off, getting twisted in the process and winding up face down, ass up on the bed. He was cackling loudly when Sonny swatted his butt and commanded, “Stay just like that! That’s perfect!”

“You’re not funny!” Rafael gasped, face red from both the laugh and the struggle. “Come back and help me! Dominick!”

“Calm down, calm down,” Sonny told him, still laughing, as he untangled Rafael’s feet and separated them from his pants and boxers. “You’re okay. Although I still just love your pretty ass, up just like this.” He paddled back and forth on both of Rafael’s cheeks, and Rafael turned his head to watch him.

“You’re not Phil Collins and this isn’t a drum circle,” Rafael told him, and Sonny stopped for a minute.

“I could be. Want me to play ‘In The Air Tonight’ on your ass? Do a TikTok video of it?” He grinned and winked, paddling a short rhythm on his husband’s flesh, and Rafael slowly smiled back.

“I love you, Sonny. I’m so glad I married you.” He rolled over, onto his back and held his arms out. “C’mon, let’s make love. I really wanna feel you inside me.”

Sonny smiled at him fondly, then stood while Rafael moved further onto the bed. He grabbed the lube, then joined Rafael, kissing him deeply. “I’m so glad we married each other, too...but I still would’ve played a mean drum solo on your cheeks.”

***

Sonny was snoring lightly when Rafael emerged from the shower. It was just after eight as he slipped on his watch and his wedding ring, and ran a finger along the chain of his crucifix. 

Sonny looked ethereal, his fair skin and silver hair adding to the illusion. Rafael continued to indulge himself in the vision of his husband while he finished drying himself off. He tossed the towel into the hamper, then approached the bed quietly, slipping back under the covers on his side and pressing a kiss to Sonny’s shoulder. “Te amo, Soleado,” he murmured against the soft skin, moving his hand to Sonny’s hip and resting it there, flat, for a moment.

Sonny shifted in his sleep, turning over toward Rafael and slowly opening his eyes. A slow smile spread over his face. “Good morning, love,” he murmured to Rafael. “Welcome to a New Year.”

Rafael smiled. “A New Year with you...I’m a lucky man.” He leaned down to kiss Sonny, feeling great warmth in his chest. Sonny kissed him back lovingly, just as Rafael’s phone began to ring.

They both sighed, pulling apart, and Rafael reached for his phone. “Who is it?” Sonny asked, kissing Rafael’s arm.

“The bride,” he replied, with a hint of sarcasm. “Hey Mami.”

Sonny stretched and swung his legs out of the bed, half-listening to his husband’s conversation as he made his way to the bathroom. Yawning, he stepped into the still somewhat-steamy bathroom.

The first step was fine. The second, not so much, as he realized too late that the floor was damp from Rafael’s shower and he slipped and went down, hard and fast, with his head hitting the edge of the ceramic sink. He settled on the white tile floor, a small puddle of crimson quickly forming at the base of his skull.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were in the emergency room waiting area, waiting for the doctor to tell them what was going on with Sonny. Rafael was incredibly restless, fiddling on his phone, and Marlene was checking out the vending machines. 
> 
> He should’ve done a better job checking out what she was wearing, he thought now that he looked at her. She was in flannel lounge pants, a t-shirt, and a zip-up hoodie, along with her sneakers. Her braids from the night before looked pretty ragged. She was doing some kind of musicless dance in front of the three vending machines, hopping and twisting from one machine to another, and for a second he wondered if she knew how ridiculous she looked. Then he realized that of course she didn’t. She was growing more and more self-conscious these days, and if she had any inkling that her own dad thought she looked this silly, she’d have shut the show down in a hot minute. Watching her did make him smile, though, which was a welcome relief to the anxiety he felt thinking about Sonny.  
> *****  
> Sonny gets medical assistance while his family waits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> So I have very little experience with concussions. My daughter got one once from a fall, and I learned more about it tonight, ten years later, than I learned when it happened! Go figure. Anyway, thank you Mayo Clinic! Sonny's had a serious one, as the doctor explains here. 
> 
> The guys have also finally given in and gotten Marlene a cell phone for Christmas, but I imagine it's one with VERY limited abilities, and they control almost everything on it. I have no idea what a good age for cell phones are now. It's so odd that something we didn't need at all 20 years ago is basically mandatory to function now. Internet, I'm speaking about you too.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“Mami, Mami..hold on…” Rafael interrupted as he heard a sickening  _ thunk. _ “Sonny? Babe, are you okay?” There was no response, and Rafael felt sick as he ran around the edge of the bed and pushed open the bathroom door. “Sonny!” he gasped, seeing his husband’s still form on the wet floor. “Mami! I’ve gotta go! Sonny’s hurt--”

Lucia was saying something, asking questions, but all Rafael knew was fear. “I’ve got to go!” he cried, hanging up on her, then dialing 911. “Sonny...c’mon, honey, open your eyes…”

As Rafael began to speak with the 911 operator, Sonny’s eyes fluttered and a slow, soft smile spread across his lips. “Yes! He’s opened his eyes!” Rafael told the operator. “Sonny, can you hear me, honey? Are you okay?”

Sonny tried to lift his head, then noticeably winced and lay his head back down. “He’s in a lot of pain,” Rafael told the operator. “He can’t lift his head very much.” Turning back to Sonny, he said, “I’m going to go unlock the door so they can get in, okay? I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” Sonny’s voice came out in a hoarse whisper, with effort. “Put pants on.”

Wide-eyed, Rafael looked from his husband down to his own bare legs. Yes. Pants were a good idea. He grabbed a pair of sweats, tugged them on, then raced to the front door, unlocking it.

“Hey Papi.” As he turned from the door, he saw his daughter for the first time this morning, and realized the television was on. She was watching The Golden Girls and eating a bowl of cereal.

“Marley.” He pointed to the door. “Daddy fell and hit his head. He’s gonna be okay but the EMTs are coming any minute. Can you stay here to show them where the bedroom is, when they come in?”

Her green eyes went wide and she nodded. “Is he bleeding? Is he awake?”

He nodded, but repeated, “He’s gonna be okay, honey. Just wait here and show them where the bedroom is, okay?”

“Okay, Papi.” He knew she was upset, but Sonny needed to come first. He rushed back to the bathroom, to see Sonny lying quietly on the floor, just as he’d left him. 

“Sonny…” Sonny turned his head slightly and looked up at him with sleepy eyes. “They’ll be here any minute, okay, baby? Can you say something?”

Sonny’s eyes closed momentarily, then opened again. “My head hurts,” he mumbled gruffly, then tried to smile. “Don’t worry…’bout me,” he pushed out, just as two EMTs entered the bedroom, followed by Marlene, still in her pajamas. At the EMTs’ instruction, Rafael stepped out of the bathroom.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Marley asked, eyes still wide with fear. 

“Yeah, honey. He’s gonna be okay.” Rafael absently hugged her, trying to listen to everything being said. Glancing at his daughter, he said, “Know what? We’re gonna need to go with Daddy to the hospital for a little while, so why don’t you go get dressed quickly? I’m gonna grab a shirt and some shoes, too.” She continued to nod, but didn’t move. “It’s okay, honey...go on…” He reached into his dresser to grab a t-shirt when he felt her hand on his hip.

“Is Daddy gonna die?” she whispered harshly, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“No, mija. But he needs to see a doctor very soon. Can you get dressed? I know you’re scared, honey.”

He saw her visibly gulp, then nod again. “Yeah, Papi, I can. I’ll be right back.” He watched her run down the hall, and he turned around just in time for one of the EMTs to speak to him. “We’ve got him on the stretcher and we’re taking him to Mercy. Looks to be a concussion, but they’re going to want to do a CT-scan to be sure it’s not anything worse. We can’t let your daughter ride in the ambulance--can you guys meet us there?”

“Of course,” he responded as they started to roll Sonny into the bedroom. Rafael turned to his husband, who was blinking slowly and looked dazed. “Marley and I will be there very soon, honey, okay? She’s getting dressed and then we’ll be leaving.” He yanked the tee over his head, then bent down to kiss Sonny’s unmarred temple. “I love you, honey...you’re going to be just fine.” He squeezed Sonny’s hand, and he felt a faint squeeze back. 

Rafael couldn’t believe this was their start to the new year.

***

They were in the emergency room waiting area, waiting for the doctor to tell them what was going on with Sonny. Rafael was incredibly restless, fiddling on his phone, and Marlene was checking out the vending machines. 

He should’ve done a better job checking out what she was wearing, he thought now that he looked at her. She was in flannel lounge pants, a t-shirt, and a zip-up hoodie, along with her sneakers. Her braids from the night before looked pretty ragged. She was doing some kind of musicless dance in front of the three vending machines, hopping and twisting from one machine to another, and for a second he wondered if she knew how ridiculous she looked. Then he realized that of course she didn’t. She was growing more and more self-conscious these days, and if she had any inkling that her own dad thought she looked this silly, she’d have shut the show down in a hot minute. Watching her did make him smile, though, which was a welcome relief to the anxiety he felt thinking about Sonny.

She’d skipped back over to him, holding her new phone in her hand. “Can I call Grammy? Or Auntie Bella? Or Auntie Gina and Joseph? Are they all gonna come here?” she asked, fiddling with the buttons on it as she sat next to him. He and Sonny had argued over that phone as a Christmas present. Rafael felt she was still too young. But Marlene was involved in a growing number of extracurricular activities now, and they both needed an easy way to get up with her. He'd finally given in when Sonny had pointed out all of the parental controls it had, and how responsible Marley was showing herself to be lately. 

“I haven’t called them yet,” he told her. “I want to wait and see how your dad is feeling and if they’re just going to send him home.”

“But don’t you think we should at least call Grammy? She’s his mom and she’d wanna know. She loves him so much, Papi. And I bet Daddy would want us to call her. I bet he probably thinks we already have--”

“Marley!” he snapped. “Just...just stop, honey. We don’t need to call anyone right now. We just need to wait for the doctor--”

“Family of Dominick Carisi?” A doctor was jotting notes down into what Rafael presumed was Sonny’s chart, and Rafael stood. The doctor slowly walked over to him.

“That’s me--I’m his husband,” he said, and Marley stood next to him. In an effort to still protect his daughter, Rafael pointed to a group of chairs across the room. “Go wait over there, please, Marlene--”

“I wanna know how Daddy is, too!” She looked between her papi and the doctor, and crossed her arms.

Rafael turned toward her, resting a hand on each of her shoulders. “Please go wait over there. I’ll let you know in just a minute.”

“I never get to know anything!” she grumbled, before marching over to the chairs he’d pointed toward.

“I’m Dr. Ford and I’ve been caring for your husband Dominick since he arrived. We’ve run a few tests, including a CT scan, and it appears that Dominick has a severe concussion. I understand he was unconscious when you first found him?”

“Yes, but just briefly. Is he conscious now...is he, is he able to answer your questions now? I know he seemed a bit dazed and his words were a little slurred…”

The doctor nodded. “He is indeed conscious and has been since he’s been here. He has had a little vomiting, dizziness, and headache. The CT scan doesn’t indicate any active bleeding and there is no fracturing of the skull, but it’s clear he has a bruise in there. Are you able to stay with him for the next twenty-four hours to monitor him? We’d need you to bring him back if he passes out again or if he gets substantially worse in any way.”

Rafael nodded. “Of course I can do that, if you think that’s what is best…”

“Sonny would like to go home, and as long as he can be monitored at home, that’s probably the best place for him. We did put seven stitches in, above his right ear. He must’ve hit it when he went down.” The doctor motioned toward a patient room. “Would you like to see him?”

“Yes, please...Marlene!” Rafael called, and the little girl jumped up, running across the waiting area to her father. “Dr. Ford says we can see Daddy now,” Rafael told her.

“Wait!” she objected. Pointing to the doctor, she asked, “Can I ask you a question about my dad? I just want to know what’s wrong with him.” Her voice began to tremble on the last few words, and Rafael wrapped an arm around her.

Dr. Ford glanced at Rafael, who nodded, then bent down slightly so he was more on eye level with the girl. “Your dad hit his head and has something we call a concussion. Basically, it means his brain is a little injured, like a bruise, and needs some time to heal. That might take a few days, or in your dad’s case, a bit longer.”

Marley exhaled hard. “Is he gonna die?”

“No,” the doctor explained. “He may have a headache and dizziness for awhile, and his balance will probably be off. His speech may be a little funny for a few days also, but then it should all go away and he will be just like the dad you’ve always had.” 

“What if it doesn’t go away?” she asked slowly, and Rafael squeezed her shoulder, wanting to relieve her worry and stop the questions at the same time.

“Then we will help take care of your dad and figure out how to help him feel better,” Dr. Ford replied compassionately, and Marlene’s face slowly relaxed into a smile.

“That sounds good,” she told him. “Can we see him now?”

Dr. Ford nodded. “This way.”

They followed the doctor a short way down the hallway and through a curtain. “Mr. Barba-Carisi? Your husband and daughter are here. Your husband’s agreed to monitor you at home, so I’m going to complete your discharge paperwork, all right?”

Sonny lifted his head toward them and smiled. “That sounds great,” he said, a little more slowly than normal, then held out an arm. “C’mere dolly. Daddy’s gonna be just fine.”

Marley ran to her daddy, burying her head in his chest and letting the sobs escape. “I love you, Daddy. The doctor says you’re gonna be just fine, and Papi and me’ll take care of you so good, okay?” She sniffled repeatedly, and Sonny stroked her back with his palm as he and Rafael gazed at each other.

“I’m gonna be just fine, baby girl,” Sonny said, sounding as dazed as he still looked. Rafael smiled at him, wishing that he could hold his husband himself. So far, the new year had sucked.

“Hey Rafi,” Sonny said, “come gimme some love.” Rafael quickly approached the bed, wrapping his arms around both his husband and his daughter. “My two favorite people,” Sonny mumbled, face pressed into Rafael’s shoulder. “Can’t wait to go home with my two favorite people.”

“Us too,” Rafael told him, running fingers through his hair, and Sonny beamed at him.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Marlene? Are you all right, honey?” Her teacher, Ms. Cheng, touched her shoulder. Seeing the girl breathing heavily and looking distressed, she immediately radioed the office. “This is Room 34. I have a student who’s having difficulty breathing. Could I get some assistance, please?” Ms. Cheng took a step to face her. “Okay, honey. They’ll be here in a minute. Do you have asthma?”
> 
> *****  
> Sonny isn't the only one who's going to need some nurturance at home.

“You and Sonny should have called me.” Deb stood in the kitchen, arms crossed, as she watched her son-in-law make coffee. “I could have come right away, helped out with Marlene, gotten things ready here for when Sonny came home.” Rafael continued to finish preparing Sonny’s meal, and Deb had the sneaking suspicion she was being ignored. “Are you listening to me, Rafael?”

He sighed. “Yes, Deb. I’m sorry we didn’t contact you right away, but it was early and we weren’t sure how severe it was. Then it took us some time to get home, and to get Sonny settled back in bed, and to get the bathroom cleaned up…”

“I would have been happy to do that for you, if you had called me, Rafael. You do remember, he’s my son, right?” She stepped next to Rafael, removing the coffee mug from the keurig, then preparing it the way Sonny liked it--heavy on milk, light on sugar--before handing it back.

Rafael turned toward her more fully and sighed again. “Look, Ma, I wasn’t trying to shut you out. I’m sorry if you felt that way. I know how very much you love Sonny and in the future, I’ll try to do better...I’ll definitely call you as soon as I get to the hospital, okay?” He rarely pulled out calling her Ma, like her own children did, even though he knew she liked it. It had just always felt awkward to him, maybe assuming a level of comfort that he didn’t feel. He loved his mother-in-law, truly he did, but he also couldn’t help the fact that he always had the feeling that she thought Sonny could do just a little bit better. Sonny had always tried to reassure him, but Rafael had often wondered if she’d like him that much better if he had a vagina.

“It’s just...well, he’s my only boy, Rafael,” she said, as though she were listening to his inner dialogue. “And I don’t need to tell you how special he is. He’s Sonny...he’s my sunshine.”

Rafael forced a smile. “I know how very much you love him, and I’m sorry if I made this more stressful. That wasn’t my intent.” He picked up the plate of food and nodded toward the bedroom. “You want to carry the coffee? I’ll follow you.”

***

“Sonny...c’mon, honey, wake up.” Rafael nudged his husband to make sure he was still functional. “Come on, babe, I need you to wake up and answer a couple questions, okay?”

“Hmmph,” answered the man next to him, before rolling over and squinting. Rafael could see that Sonny’s eyes were red and bloodshot, and Sonny’s hand immediately went to his temple. “Headache,” he groaned. Conscious and speaking, check and check.

“Sorry, honey. Is it any worse or about the same?” Rafael asked, and Sonny grunted again.

“Same...my ma still here?” 

“No. She went home awhile ago. You’ve been asleep. Can you tell me your name?”

There was a long pause, then a sigh. “Dominick Luca Barba-Carisi. Sonna Deb and Dominick, Sr. Husband o’ Rafael Eduardo. Father o’...” he yawned…”Marlene Elizabeth.”

“Okay,” Rafael responded. “That’s good, honey.”

“Forty-one years old. Lives in the borough o’ Manhattan, in New York City. Employed by the city as an Assistant District Attorney working with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit.”

Rafael patted Sonny’s chest. “Okay, you got it. That’s good.”

“Mother in law’s engagement occurred on New Year’s Eve. To celebrate, came home, got high, had sex with husband. Mother in law woulda been proud.” 

Rafael snorted. “You’re obnoxious. By the way, your proud mother in law sends her regards.” 

As irritated as Deb had been with him, Lucia had been twice as angry. He’d completely forgotten that he had been on the phone with her when Sonny fell, and hadn’t called her back. When she finally reached him mid-afternoon, it was to deliver a long, vicious diatribe that quickly morphed into Spanish. Marlene had been watching TV in the same room, but she turned it off and left. When she came back, she said, “Neither of my dads have ever yelled at me like that.”

“Well,” Rafael told her, “you never forgot to tell one of us that somebody hadn’t died.”

“She thought he DIED?” Her eyes widened.

“She’s a little melodramatic.”

Marlene’s eyes narrowed. “You say I’m melodramatic, too. You say it all the time.”

“Well, now we know where you got it from,” he’d told her, tousling her hair.

“Is there medicine for my headache?” Sonny asked now, still holding his head. “It’s really painful.”

“Sure, babe. Hang on.” Rafael got Sonny taken care of, giving him his pain medication and some water, then lying next to him until he drifted back to sleep. 

What a shitty January first, he thought, before drifting off himself.

***

“Okay, Marley...your papi said you’ve got chorus after school and then he’ll pick you up, all right?” Lucia asked, pulling over into a drop off spot. She’d volunteered to take Marlene to school today, since Rafael was caring for Sonny.

“Yep! I got it.” Marlene grabbed her backpack, then paused. “Hey Abby, did you really think that Daddy died and Papi didn’t tell you?”

Lucia’s head whipped around. “No, I thought your papi owed me a phone call back, since the last I’d heard was your daddy was hurt, and I didn’t know what had happened. Your papi is being melodramatic.”

“I see,” Marlene replied slowly. “It’s a family trait.”

Lucia made a face. “It’s a Rafael Eduardo trait. You can tell him I said that. Go on, have a good day!”

Marley grinned. “Bye Abby! Love you!” She climbed out of her grandmother’s sedan and headed into the building toward her classroom. She was in fifth grade now, at the end of the hallway. It was kind of cool getting to walk past all the little kids’ classes sometimes and remembering when she was in those classes. It made her feel like she’d grown up so much. Next year she’d be across campus, in a different building, and be one of the youngest kids again in the middle school. But for now, she and her friends enjoyed being the oldest in the building.

“Marlene?” She heard an adult call her name, and she turned around in the middle of the hallway, trying to figure out where it came from.

“Marlene!” she heard again, and a short young woman with long hair and a slightly protruding belly was waving at her from one of the fourth-grade doorways. 

Marley stopped, staring at her for a moment, her brain trying to resolve recognition with the impossible. She recognized the face from photos over the years, but even more, she recognized the slope of the nose, the wide shape of the eyes, and the cupid’s bow in the lip. It was the same as she looked at every day in the mirror. 

She took a few hesitant steps toward the fourth-grade classroom. “Corrine?”

Her birth mother nodded enthusiastically, a wide smile on her face. “It’s so amazing to see you! You’re so beautiful! I didn’t know you went to school here!”

Marlene nodded. “Yeah...since preschool.” She smelled good. Like flowers or something, and she looked very pretty. Very soft and curvy everywhere. Marlene reminded herself that the woman was going to have a baby.

“Well, it’s wonderful to see you, honey! I don’t want to keep you. I know you have to get to class, but maybe we will run into each other once in awhile while I’m substituting this spring! I’m going to be here for the rest of the school year.”

Marlene nodded. It was overwhelming, to see and stand next to the woman who was her real, live mother after all these years. To see her, be able to touch her, to smell her, all of it, and she suddenly felt dizzy. Not knowing what to do but feeling her heart beginning to race, she replied, “Okay. Bye!”, then headed down the hall to her classroom. 

So many uncomfortable feelings began to roll around in her chest, then down to her stomach. Corrine’s voice was beautiful and sounded like bells, she thought. Her hair wasn’t coarse or curly, like Marley’s, but straight and beautiful, and her skin tone was just slightly lighter. Marley suddenly had a million questions she wanted to ask her, a million things she’d wondered her entire life. And a million worries that her dads--particularly her papi--would think all of this was a very, very bad idea. And her daddy--would this upset him? Could it make him sicker when he was supposed to be resting? No, Papi wouldn’t think she was ready for this. He wouldn’t think she was ready at all. 

And part of her agreed with him, she realized, as her heart raced and it became difficult to breathe. She leaned against a wall, trying to catch a breath.

“Marlene? Are you all right, honey?” Her teacher, Ms. Cheng, touched her shoulder. Seeing the girl breathing heavily and looking distressed, she immediately radioed the office. “This is Room 34. I have a student who’s having difficulty breathing. Could I get some assistance, please?” Ms. Cheng took a step to face her. “Okay, honey. They’ll be here in a minute. Do you have asthma?”

Marlene shook her head. “No...just...just anxious, I think…” She felt tears well in her eyes. This was so embarrassing. 

Ms. Cheng nodded and kept rubbing her shoulder. “I understand. Why don’t we try to count while we breathe? In, two...three...four, out, two...three...four…” Marley tried, but every time she started counting, all she could think about was how overwhelmed she felt.

“Here, Marlene.” The school’s nurse appeared and handed her a paper bag. “Try breathing into that slowly. I’ve called her father,” the nurse told Ms. Cheng, who nodded and helped Marlene get the bag over her face properly.

“Okay honey, just try to take deep, slow breaths…” Even with the bag, it was hard to catch a breath. She was trying not to panic as she watched random kids still milling around, staring at her, and she closed her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> There are a lot of fics in this AU that reference different parts of Marlene's adoption and the guys' relationship with her birth mother. A few that I'd recommend, if you're interested in backstory here, would be Family, Bits and Pieces chapter four, Marley Turns Five chapter three, and Barisi Advent 2020 ch.22. The last one is most relevant to this story. It's not necessary to read all that to understand the relationship here, really, other than the guys have always been honest about Marley's adoption. Corrine sends a card twice a year (birthday and Christmas) and a gingerbread cookie at Christmas. The guys send a card and a flash drive once a year, on Marley's birthday, with photos and video of highlights of Marley's year. Marlene has never met her, but has seen photos and read cards and letters. Corrine has kept them up to date on the fact that she is now a teacher, and most recently got married and is expecting a baby girl. She was 17 when she gave Marlene up for adoption.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always welcome and appreciated. Hope you're enjoying thus far!


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Papi,” she interrupted, “I saw my mom.”
> 
> He looked confused, but sat back down on the bed again. “You saw your mom,” he repeated, as though he were processing the information.
> 
> “My birth mom, Corrine,” she elaborated. “She’s a teacher at my school. I think she’s a substitute in fourth grade right now.”
> 
> Rafael’s eyes widened. “But how...how did you know it was her?” he asked, still struggling with the near impossibility of this coincidence.
> 
> Marley pulled her knees up to her chest. “She saw me and called my name. And then, when I saw her, I recognized it was her.” At his skeptical expression, she added, “I look just like her, Papi. My face, I mean. I’ve never seen anybody that looked like me before.”  
> *****  
> Marlene shares the news with Rafael that she has met her birth mother, and he's less than pleased. He attempts to share the news with Sonny, but Sonny has more pressing concerns--mainly, the pain he's suffering from isn't improving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Rafael's walking a tightrope here with his daughter, trying to hear her out but also trying to keep her safe and protected. I think that's the number one thing we as parents do, and it's so hard. And this time he doesn't have his husband to back him up so much. Tough stuff--anyone who parents as a single person knows how hard this is!
> 
> Comments and kudos are welcome! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

“Can you make it okay to the car?” Rafael asked, worried, but Marlene nodded and seemed to be okay. By the time he’d gotten to the school, her breathing had settled down significantly, but everyone felt better about the idea of her going home and resting for the day. Ms. Cheng had pulled him aside for a moment and mentioned that Marlene said it was anxiety; Rafael had nodded and promised to talk to his daughter about it. He figured she was anxious about Sonny, and things would settle down once she saw her dad was okay.

The drive home was uneventful. Rafael wondered if there was anything they should be doing to help Marley manage her anxiety better. She’d always been an anxious child, and it had come out in a bunch of different ways at different ages. When she was younger, she struggled with meltdowns quite a bit and often needed reassurance from adults. This past fall, when Rafael and Sonny had separated, Marley had been seeing her therapist again, who was working with her on breathing techniques and journaling. “Are you feeling anxious about Daddy?” he asked, breaking the silence, as he parked the car.

“Mmm, a little bit,” she said, grabbing her backpack and climbing out of the car. “By the way, your mom said that YOU’RE the one who’s melodramatic, not her.”

It took him a minute, but then he remembered the conversation and snorted loudly. “I learned it from the best,” he retorted, resting a hand on her shoulder. “Your abuelita could teach a dead man how to emote.” At her confused expression, he explained, “Be emotional. Act. Be melodramatic!”

“Oh,” she acknowledged, then giggled quietly to herself. They were almost to the door when she asked, “Is Daddy still in bed?”

“Yes. He’s supposed to be.” Rafael opened the door, and Marley quickly made her way to her bedroom. Rafael followed her down the hall and paused at her doorway. “So your breathing is fine now?”

“Uh-huh.” She hung up her backpack, then grabbed a book off her desk and hopped on the bed. “Want me to just rest today? I’ll do some reading and stuff...I can help with Daddy, if you want. Just let me know.”

“Hmm.” Rafael stepped over to her bed and sat on the edge. “I’m just wondering what got you so upset earlier, that you had an anxiety attack and had trouble breathing. That’s only happened to you a couple times before, when you were very upset.”

Marley shrugged her shoulders and opened the book. Her heart was beginning to slam in her chest again, and it made it hard to think. “Don’t know, Papi.”

He stared at her for what seemed to be a very long time, knowing there was something she wasn’t telling him, and wondering how hard he should push. He tried not to think of the possibilities. Had she been teased? Hurt? Or God forbid, something worse? His stomach rolled over on itself and he suddenly felt nauseous.

Marley laid her book down, unsure of what to say. She was afraid of her papi’s reaction, but even more afraid to try to carry the secret herself. He was staring at a spot on his thigh, when suddenly he seemed to come back to himself and sighed, then stood. “Okay, well. Just take it easy, I guess, today. You know if you ever want to talk, honey...I’m here. Daddy is too. We love you and are here to help--”

“Papi,” she interrupted, “I saw my mom.”

He looked confused, but sat back down on the bed again. “You saw your mom,” he repeated, as though he were processing the information.

“My birth mom, Corrine,” she elaborated. “She’s a teacher at my school. I think she’s a substitute in fourth grade right now.”

Rafael’s eyes widened. “But how...how did you know it was her?” he asked, still struggling with the near impossibility of this coincidence.

Marley pulled her knees up to her chest. “She saw me and called my name. And then, when I saw her, I recognized it was her.” At his skeptical expression, she added, “I look just like her, Papi. My face, I mean. I’ve never seen anybody that looked like me before.”

Rafael felt a knot in his stomach, and he wasn’t sure if it was anger or fear. “So what did she say to you, mija?”

“Just hi and stuff...just stuff about how she was a substitute teacher for the spring and maybe we could talk and stuff…” She grew quiet, wrapping her arms around her knees, and looked up at him. “Are you mad at me? I didn’t know what I was s’posed to do, Papi…”

“No, baby, not at all.” He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing tightly, and he could feel her tears wetting his arm. “You did nothing wrong, sweetheart, and I’m so sorry you felt so anxious about it. Do you know why you were anxious?”

“I dunno,” she sniffed, shifting so she could snuggle more closely to him. His body was warm and soft, and he smelled good. “I always get scared she’s gonna want me back and that one day you and Daddy won’t be my parents anymore. But then part of me has a million questions I wanna ask her. And I feel bad that I wanna ask her stuff, like does that make me a bad daughter to you and Daddy? I get scared I’m gonna hurt your feelings and stuff. Sometimes I even get scared that if I tried to get to know Corrine, that maybe you and Daddy would get so mad and you’d tell me you don’t want me anymore.” Her tearful green eyes met his. “I just wanna be a good daughter. I love you an’ Daddy so much. So much.”

Rafael held her for a moment without speaking, thinking about all of the concerns his daughter had shared. “Honey, we love you too, and we will always love you. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me say you’re not my daughter. Do you understand?” He pulled back slightly to meet her gaze. “Nothing, Marlene. I know that’s a big worry of yours and always has been, but I can tell you that I will always, ALWAYS love you, and I will ALWAYS be your papi. Okay?”

She nodded. “I’m sorry I always worry about that.”

He shook his head. “You don’t need to be sorry. I just hate that you still worry about it.” 

They sat for several minutes together, in each other’s arms, with Rafael gently stroking Marlene’s hair. Finally, he asked, “You have questions for her, huh? I think that’s very normal.”

Marley nodded. “That’s what Amy said. That most adopted kids wanna know stuff about their birth parents.” She sat up a little more. “She’s really pretty, Papi. She’s got beautiful skin and her hair is long and straight and dark, and big eyes. I hope I look like her when I grow up.” She was thinking of how curvy and feminine Corrine looked, but she didn’t think she could explain that to Rafael, and she didn’t think she wanted to. He wouldn’t understand how much she wanted to be feminine.

He smiled at her warmly. “Well, you’re already beautiful, so there’s no doubt that you’ll grow into a beautiful young lady. That’s a given.” He pulled her close then and kissed her head, feeling suddenly affectionate and wanting her to understand how very loved she was. In the corner of his mind, he knew there was a simmering anger toward Corrine for pushing her presence onto Marley. But it wasn’t the time. “I guess we need to figure out how to help manage your anxiety about this. It sounds like there’s a lot stewing around in that smart brain of yours. Would it help to talk with Amy? I can try to move your therapy appointment up to today or tomorrow.”

Marlene nodded. “I think that might be good. I dunno what I’m gonna do when I have to see her again tomorrow though.”

Rafael pulled back from her and met her gaze. “Honey, you won’t be seeing her again tomorrow. I don’t know how we’ll work it out, but it is not okay with me or Daddy that this happened. This is a grownup problem to solve, though. Not yours. Your job is to go to school, do you work, have fun with your friends, and all the things you’ve been doing. It’s not to meet with your birth mother. Not now, anyway. When you’re eighteen, if you decide that you’d like to see her, then it will be up to you and Corrine at that time. But Daddy, Corrine, and I had an agreement when you were born that Daddy and I would be your parents and she would stay away and not be involved.”

Marlene made a face. “But she’s my mom, Papi...shouldn’t I get to decide if I wanna see her or not sometimes? I mean, maybe she wants to tell me stuff or get to know me a little. Why can’t she be like an aunt or something, where I see her sometimes but live here, like I do with Aunt Gina or Aunt Livvy?”

“A minute ago you didn’t even want to see her, Marlene--”

“That was before I knew you were gonna say I couldn’t see her at ALL!” She yanked away from him, turned around, and threw herself face down on her bed.

Terrific, he thought. “I’ll go call Amy,” he said, standing and making his way out of her room.

“You are so NOT FAIR, Papi!” she yelled, and he worked hard not to shake his head at her.

***

“Corrine’s teachin’ at Marley’s school?” Sonny repeated slowly, then closed his eyes and winced. Talking was still painful, and his headache was nearly as bad as when he’d first been concussed.

“Yes. And it’s simply unacceptable that she’s violating the agreements of the adoption.” Rafael was packing beside the bed, trying to figure out what his next step should be. 

“Couldja stop?” Sonny objected, and Rafael turned to see his husband gripping his forehead firmly, clearly in pain.

“Yeah, sorry. Hang on and I’ll get you some ibuprofen.” Rafael counted out a couple pills, then handed them and Sonny’s glass of water over. “It’s not any better, is it?”

“No. Hurts.” Sonny lay back down, and out of sympathy, Rafael sat down next to him and gently rubbed his chest. After a minute, Sonny made a sound of contentment, and Rafael smiled, but kept rubbing. “Tell ‘er to stay away,” Sonny mumbled, eyes still closed.

“I don’t think she took the position on purpose, but we shouldn’t even have to ask,” Rafael reasoned aloud, as much to himself as to his husband. “And I can’t believe she called Marlene over to her, introduced herself! In the middle of the hallway, first thing in the morning! What did she think was going to happen--that Marley would just throw her arms around her? Thank her for placing her for adoption and then say, ‘Hey, you know, I have a few questions, if you have time at lunch?’ She showed absolutely no good judgment with this. She may not have meant for it to happen, but we shouldn’t even have to ASK for her to resign! Anyone with common sense would know that if she couldn’t keep her mouth shut about it, she should be getting out of there.”

Sonny held up a finger, and Rafael quieted. After a minute, Rafael asked, “Was there something you wanted to say?”

“Hmm-mmm,” Sonny said. “Jus’ needed quiet.” He shook his finger. “Sorry.”

“Oh, Sonny.” Rafael leaned over and kissed his good temple. “Do you need anything else or should I just leave you to rest for now?”

“Jus’ rest. Please. Love you.” The words were gruff and fuzzy, each one seemingly painful, and Rafael felt terrible for his husband.

“One last thing,” Rafael murmured much more quietly, and Sonny nodded. “Mami is coming over this afternoon. We were going to work on her wedding, but I may go up to the school and just have her stay with you and Marley, okay?”

Sonny gave a thumbs up, and Rafael leaned over and kissed the tip of his thumb. “Love you,” he said, smiling, and stood, leaving the bedroom and quietly closing the door behind him.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He watched as Corrine’s face went from significant interest and concern to pain, and quite possibly, shame. She was looking at her hands, and as he stopped speaking, she shook her head. “It’s my fault, Rafael. I should have realized, I guess. She’s still a little girl, isn’t she? I don’t know why I called her over. I didn’t expect to see her either, and suddenly there she was, and she looked so grown up and so beautiful and so perfect, her name was out of my mouth before I had even thought about it.” There was a quiet pause. “You know, when I was her age, I was responsible for cleaning the house and cooking dinner for my siblings. I’d make sure they did their homework, ate, and took baths. Sometimes I even had to put them to bed.” She shook her head again. “I’m a bad judge of what’s appropriate for a kid to handle. I’m working on that, but I have to admit, I worry about it now, being pregnant.” She raised her eyes to his. “I’m so, so sorry. Is she still upset? What should I do?”
> 
> *****  
> Rafael confronts Corrine and is confronted by Marlene. Meanwhile, Sonny's still suffering.

Rafael walked through the upper elementary entrance of the school, slowing as he approached the fourth grade classrooms. The kids had just gotten out of school for the day, but the staff was still milling around. He could hear teachers chatting and an occasional laugh from the hallway.

He found Corrine fairly quickly. She was visible from the hallway, seated at her desk and typing on her laptop. Settling the nerves in his stomach, he knocked on the open door. 

Her expression, at first, was one of confusion until he stepped closer, into the room. He could tell the moment she recognized him; her face first fell into an excited smile, then just as quickly registered concern. And wow, but Marley hadn’t been exaggerating when she said they looked alike. He was suddenly reminded, taking in her entire silhouette, that she was pregnant. Somehow, he’d forgotten.

“Rafael,” she greeted him a little awkwardly, extending her hand. He smiled at her and shook it, thinking about how the last time he’d seen her in person, she was just a teenager. Was he expecting too much for her to realize her mistake? The thought raced through his mind as their hands dropped and he needed to speak.

“Corrine, you’re looking well,” he came up with, and she smiled, a look that was both sweet and proud at the same time. “Are you substituting now?”

“This year,” she explained. “I left my regular teaching job in May because I was getting married, and we thought we were going to be moving out of state with my husband’s company. But the company decided they wanted him to do some temp work overseas, and  _ this  _ little surprise sprung up--” she motioned to her belly--”so we just decided for now, I’d stay here until he gets a permanent assignment. It’s been pretty boring without him. I saw this position come available and applied. You can imagine how shocked I was to see Marlene this morning!” Her face was joyful, and he felt like the world’s single biggest asshole.

“Yeah, that’s why I’m here...I was hoping we could talk about that. Can we sit?” He motioned to a nearby table and she took a seat, then he joined her. “I know you have no way of knowing this,” he began nervously, “but right after she talked with you, Marlene had an anxiety attack. She couldn’t catch her breath, and I had to come to get her and take her home. She’s better now, and I’ve made an appointment for her to see her therapist tomorrow. It was clear, though, in what she was able to tell me, that she wasn’t prepared to meet you. She’s just still too young.”

He watched as Corrine’s face went from significant interest and concern to pain, and quite possibly, shame. She was looking at her hands, and as he stopped speaking, she shook her head. “It’s my fault, Rafael. I should have realized, I guess. She’s still a little girl, isn’t she? I don’t know why I called her over. I didn’t expect to see her either, and suddenly there she was, and she looked so grown up and so beautiful and so perfect, her name was out of my mouth before I had even thought about it.” There was a quiet pause. “You know, when I was her age, I was responsible for cleaning the house and cooking dinner for my siblings. I’d make sure they did their homework, ate, and took baths. Sometimes I even had to put them to bed.” She shook her head again. “I’m a bad judge of what’s appropriate for a kid to handle. I’m working on that, but I have to admit, I worry about it now, being pregnant.” She raised her eyes to his. “I’m so, so sorry. Is she still upset? What should I do?”

There was a lump in his throat as he thought about the times he’d messed up as a dad and felt badly about it. She’d made a mistake, but she couldn’t have the comfort of apology and a hug from her child. Not to mention he knew what he needed to request from her, and he also knew how painful it was going to be. Keeping in mind that his request was in Marlene’s best interest, he pushed forward. “I know this is difficult, and I hate to request it, but Sonny and I feel very strongly it’s in Marlene’s best interest if she doesn’t see you. Maybe when she’s closer to adulthood, but right now just isn’t a good idea. I don’t know how hard it is to get out of a substitute assignment, but it would be best for Marlene if you weren’t at her school.”

Corrine immediately nodded, and they both tried to pretend she didn’t have random tears sliding down her cheeks. “Of course. That’s easy to remedy, especially since today was my first day. I’ll, uh, I’ll talk with the principal today before I leave and explain what’s happened. I’m sure she’ll understand--”

“If she needs to talk with me, please tell her she can call. Or if you’d rather I call her tonight or tomorrow, I can do that. I don’t want this to impact you negatively. You didn’t have any idea--”

She shook her head vehemently for a moment. “I should have known better than to call her name. I’m so sorry, Rafael. And I hope this doesn’t impact her for a long time. Could you please apologize to her for me? If you think it’s appropriate?” She looked up at him, eyes hopeful, and he nodded.

“Of course I will. And Corrine, please take care of yourself. Thank you for understanding about this. I appreciate it more than I can say.” His own eyes were wet and his chest felt tight, so he moved toward the classroom door.

“Of course.” She followed him slowly, then shook her head and let out a sigh. “I’ll look out for your regular package in July, after her birthday?”

Rafael nodded. “Absolutely. If you move, please send us an updated address, all right?”

Corrine smiled. “Will do.” Extending her hand again, he shook hers firmly. “Please tell her I’m thinking of her.”

He could only imagine all the words she wanted to say but didn’t. “I will. Have a good spring.”

***

Lucia was flipping through an issue of  _ Modern Bride  _ when Marley came out of her bedroom, stretching and yawning. “Ah...hola, mi hermosa nieta,” (hello, my beautiful granddaughter) she greeted, smiling at the girl. “Did you have a good nap?”

“Yeah.” Marley sank into the recliner. “Where’s Papi and Daddy?”

“Well, your dad’s still resting in bed, and your papi had to run an errand.” Rafael had briefly explained what had happened earlier when she’d arrived to work on wedding planning. Lucia wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was, but then she reminded herself that the right thing for HER to do was to support her son. She was not this child’s mother and it wasn’t up to her to make decisions like this on her behalf. “Are you hungry? Would you like a snack?”

Marley shook her head, then moved over to the couch, next to Lucia, and picked up the magazine her grandmother had just put down. “Is this for your wedding? Have you picked out your dress yet?” she asked curiously.

Lucia chuckled. “No, I have not yet. I don’t think I’ll be wearing a dress like any of these, honey. I’ll probably wear something ...I don’t know, more practical.” She watches as Marley flipped the pages and stopped on a spread of a gorgeous, embellished satin gown with a nine foot train.

“Look at that, Abby! Wow...that could be you!” Marley’s mouth was half open, taking in the fifteen thousand dollar masterpiece. “Why don’t you want one like that?”

“First, because it’s too expensive, and I’d rather spend my money on other things...like you, for instance,” she said, taking her granddaughter’s chin in her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “But that’s also not who I am, and not the kind of wedding I want. I’m not a twenty year old girl any more, nieta; I’m almost seventy-one! I think I should have a wedding that suits me and Mateo, don’t you? Besides, you’ll learn as you get a little older, that the wedding isn’t the important part. It’s the marriage that matters.”

“My mom got married. She got married and she’s having a baby.” Marley continued to examine the dress in the magazine.

“I know,” Lucia replied. “You told me.”

“She’s having a girl. I think she’s keeping this one.” 

“Well,” Lucia said gently, “she’s quite a bit older, and much more ready to care for a baby. She has a job and a husband, and that makes it easier to provide everything a baby needs.” She rubbed Marlene’s back, sensing that her granddaughter had some complicated feelings about the issue.

“I think you’d be so pretty in a fancy dress, Abby,” Marlene replied, switching the subject entirely, and Lucia let her. “I think Mateo would love it, too. Maybe not this one, but one of the others...you’re a beautiful lady and aren’t you supposed to look so pretty for your groom that day? Y’know, if you want help, I’d be happy to help you look for a dress.”

“Well, don’t forget we need to get a dress for you, too, sweetheart. Mateo and I are talking about the special roles we want our grandchildren to have during the service. There’s you, and Camila’s twins, and his son Roberto’s daughter also. Four of you.”

Just then, Rafael opened the front door and came inside, closing and locking the door behind him. “Hey Mami...Marlene,” he nodded as he came inside and hung up his coat. “How’s Sonny doing?”

“Slept most of the time you’ve been gone, although I haven’t checked on him in the last half-hour,” Lucia reported. “He just said his head really hurts. Is he due to go back to the doctor soon?”

“Yeah, I’m taking him tomorrow. Marlene has Amy tomorrow at three. Do you think you might be able to take her, and I’ll meet you over there? Sonny’s appointment is at 1:30 and I don’t know if I’ll be back in time to take her.” Rafael toed off his shoes and turned to face her.

“Sure, that’s no problem. Am I picking her up from school?” One of Lucia’s eyebrows raised, and Marley noticed it immediately. Just like her papi, she thought.

“If you can,” he replied with a short nod. “Just a few minutes early, so you make it over there on time. I’m going to go check on Sonny.”

He headed back to the master and quietly opened the door. Sonny was sitting up on the edge of the bed, holding his head, elbows on his knees.

“Babe, do you need anything? What can I get for you?” Rafael moved quietly but quickly, sitting next to Sonny and stroking his hair. “Still in a lot of pain, huh?”

Sonny sighed. “It’s been four days...not s’posed to last this long. Hurts, Rafa.”

“I know, honey. I’m so sorry, Soleado--” Sonny suddenly jumped to his feet, the fastest Rafael’d seen him move in days, and emptied his stomach into the toilet. Rafael moved to him, resting a hand on his back and rubbing it in circles until Sonny was finished. “Better?” Rafael asked, and Sonny nodded, then turned back toward the bed. “I’m taking you back to the doctor tomorrow,” Rafael reminded him as he tucked his husband back into bed. “You should be better by now. I’m worried. I know you are, too.” He pressed a gentle kiss to Sonny’s forehead before getting the medication again. He watched as Sonny swallowed it down without opening his eyes, then leaned back onto the pillow. 

Rafael sat next to him in silence, softly stroking Sonny’s stomach and watching his face. After several minutes, his face smoothed out again and his breathing became steady. Rafael could tell he’d drifted off to sleep again. He wondered what they would find tomorrow. From the little he knew about concussions, he knew that Sonny should have improved in the first twenty-four hours, and continued to improve from there. He’d never gotten worse, so Rafael hadn’t taken him back to the hospital. But after the first few hours, he never really got any better, either. Rafael didn’t know what that meant, only that the doctors needed to figure it out, because Sonny couldn’t continue like this.

***

“Abby’s gonna take me to see Amy tomorrow, right?” Marley asked as Rafael tucked her in. He pulled the quilt up to her shoulders, then sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Yes ma’am. She’ll pick you up a few minutes before school is out and take you over there, and I’ll be there as soon as I can get there. Can you tell Amy that, in case she wants to talk with me?”

Marley nodded. “So if I see Corrine tomorrow, I’m just gonna wave and keep walking...and I’m gonna count in my head and breathe, like Amy says. Then maybe another day, if I want to ask her some questions, then I’ll talk to you and Daddy about it and maybe I can stay after school and talk to her. And you could come, Papi, and hear what she says. ‘Cause I bet she has a lotta stuff to tell me about, especially about my dad...I mean, my birth father, not my dad. You and Daddy are my dads, for real.” She smiled at him, and he smiled back, stroking her hair.

“Honey, I can tell you’ve thought about this a lot today. But remember when I told you that you probably would not see Corrine again?”

“Yeah,” she said slowly, “but you were mad when you said that, I thought.”

“No, honey, I wasn’t mad,” he told her, knowing this was about to get very unpleasant. “But I was very concerned, so I went to see Corrine this afternoon, and together, we agreed it was best if she taught somewhere else. She wanted me to tell you she was very sorry that seeing her upset you today…”

Marley’s face had already crumbled, and she was crying, not even trying to hold back her distress. “Papi!” she cried loudly, “That was my momma...she’s the only momma I got an’ you...an’ you...you took her away from me!” She rolled over, burying her face into the pillow, body shaking with sobs. “She mighta gotten to know me an...an’ want me...an’ now she’ll have a new girl and won’t ever want me! She won’t even remember me...she’ll...she’ll…”

He didn’t know what to say, other than he knew instinctively that he’d made the right decision. But that wasn’t going to help his daughter right now. “Mija, of course she’ll remember you. I’m so sorry you’re upset, honey. I really am, but--”

Her wails grew louder, so he stopped trying to talk to her and instead, tried to rub her back to help relax her. But as soon as his hand touched her, she yanked away from him. “Don’t touch me!” she screeched so sharply that he threw his hands up almost involuntarily and stood up, stepping back. “Go away, Papi! Just go away! You’ve ruined everything now!” she yelled, gasping and hiccuping in between words, and he moved toward the door, away from her.

“I’m sorry, honey,” he heard himself say. “I’m so sorry.”

“Go away!” she sobbed again, collapsing on her pillow. He closed the door behind him and went into the living room, collapsing onto the couch.

He’d been right. He knew he was right, and her tantrum right now was proof of it, he tried to tell himself. He remembered a few years ago when Liv said she doubted herself as a parent. At the time, he couldn’t relate and had thought she was overreacting. He knew he’d struggle at times, but never thought he’d have doubts like this. Had he really ruined everything? Obviously she was devastated at not being able to see Corrine when she wanted to. But should she really have that control? She’s only ten years old! He argued with himself repeatedly until the house was dead quiet and he felt himself growing tired of the argument in his head.

Rafael wandered back down the hallway to Marlene’s room and listened, ear to the door, but heard nothing. Opening it, he saw she was lying on her stomach, eyes closed, and he could detect a slight rise and fall of her body. Knuffle Bunny was still on her desk, one concrete piece of the picture that was out of place, so he picked the toy up and lay it next to her on the pillow. As he did, he saw her eyelids flutter. “I’m so sorry, bebita,” he murmured softly. “Papi loves you to the moon and back, forever and ever.” Leaning down, he kissed her temple.

“Love you too, Papi.” she suddenly whispered, then sighed. “Jus’ never gonna have a momma.”

Her words lodged in his heart, and he retreated from the room before she could see him cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and thanks for reading!
> 
> This has been an emotional chapter to write. I don't know who I felt worst for--Corrine, Marlene, or Rafael! As difficult as it is right now, Rafael is right to set boundaries with Marlene regarding who decides when and how she'll see her birth mother. Children whose parents utilize authoritative parenting practices--lots of choices and options that are age appropriate while the adult remains the one in ultimate control--are more developmentally able to handle adult tasks when it's time and function better in the real world. 
> 
> If you're worried about Sonny and his head, you're right to be. They'll be going to the doctor in the next chapter to figure out what in the heck is going on. If Rafael can keep it together until then! 
> 
> Hope you're enjoying this one--leave a comment or kudo if you can, I love them!


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All the stuff I always thought I’d get to do with my momma one day when I was a grownup won’t matter, cause she’s gonna do it all with her baby girl. She’s gonna buy her pretty dresses and do her hair fancy and help her with makeup. An’ she’ll teach HER how to make those gingerbread cookies and not me. And she’ll love her new baby and go to her school stuff and be proud of her and brag about her, and I’m just...just…” She hung her head. “I’m just the one she didn’t want.” 
> 
> *****
> 
> Sonny is given a new diagnosis, and Marlene struggles with being left behind.

“Careful, honey. Watch your head.” Rafael took Sonny’s hand as the taller man climbed out of the car. Sonny was still unsteady on his feet, and Rafael was afraid he was going to lose his balance.

“Thanks,” Sonny said, holding on as they slowly made their way into the neurologist’s office. He felt like he’d dreamt the last week--he’d been so out of it ever since he hit his head, he could barely recall what had happened. He only had vague memories of different people coming in and leaving the master bedroom most days. He knew there had been drama with Marlene and Corrine, but had trouble recalling details. 

He followed Rafael into the doctor’s office and took a seat while his husband filled out the paperwork. “Just sign here,” Rafael directed him eventually, and Sonny did, his signature looking the same as always. He supposed that was a good thing, that he was able to write and none of that had changed.

Twenty minutes later he’d been called back to a room, had his vitals completed, and was waiting on the examination table as Rafael sat in a chair, diagonal from him. “How’s your head right now?” Rafael asked, looking concerned, and Sonny shrugged.

“A little better today, right now.” The door opened, and an African-American man stepped in, balancing a folder in his hand and pulling a pen from his pocket. He turned to the table where Sonny sat.

“Dominick Carisi, Jr.?” The doctor looked to Sonny for confirmation, and Sonny nodded. Smiling, the doctor extended his hand. “I’m Dr. Bryant. It’s nice to meet you. I see you had a concussion about...five days ago?” Sonny nodded, and the doctor said, “So tell me what’s going on.”

It took an hour and thirteen minutes for Sonny to explain everything he was experiencing and for the doctor to treat him. Dr. Bryant was thorough and asked each of them several questions. He’d evaluated Sonny’s memory and problem-solving skills as well as his speech and balance. He’d taken notes regarding fatigue and headaches. And he’d ordered an additional MRI, to be completed the next morning. “I don’t want to wait much longer,” he explained to both of them. “I’m fairly certain there isn’t anything actively going on, but we want to be sure. What Sonny’s experiencing is consistent with what we call post concussion syndrome. This is basically where a concussion’s symptoms last longer than a few days. As I said, I think the medication the doctor gave you for headaches may be increasing your fatigue, so I want you to stop taking that and switch to over the counter Tylenol. We’ll see if that helps. I’m most concerned with your balance and memory, though, Sonny. It’s not unusual for concussion patients to have a little confusion initially, but it shouldn’t continue. Hopefully it’s just a consequence of the medication making you tired in combination with the rest of these symptoms. As for balance, we’ll get you set up with a cane today for support, and I want you to use it whenever you get up to walk anywhere. It will lessen the likelihood of a fall tremendously. I’d also like to start you on physical therapy at home, at least initially. Would you be willing to do that?”

Sonny had agreed immediately, and Rafael had exhaled a huge sigh of relief. 

Rafael got Sonny back in the car, stowing the new cane in the back seat, before starting the ignition and pulling into traffic. “So how do you feel about it all?” he asked, glancing at his husband.

“Glad to know he doesn’t think I’ve had a stroke or anything like that.” Sonny turned to watch out the window. “I’ve been worried.”

“Yeah?” Rafael asked. “I had no idea. You never said anything. You know I would have taken you straight to the ER--”

“I know. Every time I thought about it, I’d fall back asleep. I guess the worry of it was exhausting.” Rafael laughed when Sonny said that, and Sonny joined him. It felt good to laugh after so many days of nothing. “Hey Rafi...tell me again why Marley’s upset and what Corrine did. I keep trying but I can’t remember.”

Rafael was quiet for a moment. “Corrine took a substitute teaching job at the school. Marley saw her and had to come home from school because she had an anxiety attack from it. So I met with Corrine and told her what happened, and asked if it was possible for her to work somewhere else.” Realizing it sounded like he thought jobs were a dime a dozen, he added, “She was planning on taking the year off because she’s pregnant and her family was supposed to move, but there were some changes, so she’d just accepted the job on a whim. She said it wasn’t a problem to back out.”

Sonny didn’t respond for several moments, still watching out the window, so Rafael continued. “Marlene is very upset right now because she feels that I took her mother away. _Very_ upset. I was really glad I moved her appointment with Amy up to today.”

“Can I go with you?” Sonny turned to look at his husband. “She needs to know that we’re a united front on this one, even if I haven’t been able to tell her before now.”

Rafael felt relief and affection flood him. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed to hear that his husband supported his decisions. “Are you sure you’re up to that right now? How’s your head and your fatigue?”

“Better today. I think I can do it.” 

“You’ll tell me if you need to go home?” He glanced at Sonny as he made a left to head toward the therapist’s office.

“Yeah, I will.”

***

Amy called them back a few minutes after they arrived. Sonny led, walking with his cane, and Rafael followed him, making sure his husband was stable. “Sorry I’m so slow,” Sonny apologized to both Amy and Rafael. “I’ve never walked with one of these before.”

“Marlene mentioned you had hit your head,” Amy told him as they entered her office. “I hope things are okay.”

“They will be,” Sonny answered confidently, taking a seat next to his daughter. “Hiya dolly. How’re you doin’?”

“Okay,” Marley responded, watching Rafael tag behind and take a seat in an empty chair. “Is your head better today? Did the doctor say you’re gonna be okay?”

“He has a plan to help me get better, so yes, I’m gonna be okay.” Turning his attention to Amy, Sonny asked, “So how can Papi and I help out today?”

“Well, we--”

“Papi sent my mom away!” Marley suddenly exploded, and Sonny scooted back on the couch out of shock. “Did he tell you that, Daddy? He did that and didn’t even ASK me! He just decided I shouldn’t have any momma ‘cause he’s JEALOUS! He wants to be the boss of EVERYTHING! He thinks just ‘cause he’s a legal parent that he can make me not see my birth momma. But I’ll tell you what, Papi, I’m no stupid little kid and I know how to use a subway or a taxi and I already got her address right HERE…” Marlene pulled out part of an old envelope, crumpled in her pocket. “So see? I can go whenever I want to see her and you can’t stop me! I’m not as little as you think!”

Sonny was stunned by his daughter’s sudden and intense combativeness. Despite his shock, though, he was here to support Rafael, so he opened his mouth to speak. Rafael’s hand landed on his knee just then, a gentle signal to wait; he closed his mouth, relieved but curious as to where this would go. Amy was watching them all carefully, and both fathers knew from previous experience she would give them a chance to address their daughter before she did. “I don’t think you’re little, Marlene,” Rafael said quietly a moment later. “And I really don’t think you’re stupid. In fact, I think you’re one of the brightest kids I’ve ever met. But I also know you’re only ten, and that means you have only had ten years of life experience on this earth. I’ve had fifty. Daddy’s had forty-one. And it’s our job, legally, to make the best decisions for you that we can based on our experience. The fact of the matter is that Daddy, Corrine, and I agreed that she would not be involved in your life until you were an adult. That agreement hasn’t changed. That was the legal agreement we made in the adoption.”

“But she said she wanted to talk with me...to get to know me! She wanted to, Papi!” He watched as her eyes filled with tears again. “She said so.”

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I know she did, honey. And I think she really does, one day. That’s why she sends cards and cookies. But when I talked with her, she agreed that she hadn’t thought things through, and that it’s best to wait until you’re older. I know it’s hard to hear that and accept it, but all three of us agree, mija. Right now, you cannot see Corrine. When you’re eighteen, if you still want to see her, Daddy and I will help you contact her.”

Marley was sobbing again, and Sonny reached over and rubbed her back. “Why can’t I have a momma? That’s all I want. It’s not fair. I just wanna know my momma.”

“Marley,” Amy said kindly, “did you hear your papi say that he will help you see her when you’re eighteen?”

“It won’t matter then,” she sobbed. “She’s havin’ a baby _now._ ”

“So what?” Sonny suddenly asked, playing with Marlene’s hair. “What does that matter, kiddo?”

“You guys are so dumb!” she cried, her voice loud and angry again. “Don’t you get it? She’s having a baby girl! She’ll have her very own that lives with her and after that, she won’t ever need me anymore! She’ll have her own baby girl to rock and to feed and to dress up and play with. And she’s gonna do special stuff with her and she’ll probably forget I even exist.”

Rafael and Sonny looked at each other. Suddenly it made a lot more sense.

“All the stuff I always thought I’d get to do with my momma one day when I was a grownup won’t matter, cause she’s gonna do it all with her baby girl. She’s gonna buy her pretty dresses and do her hair fancy and help her with makeup. An’ she’ll teach HER how to make those gingerbread cookies and not me. And she’ll love her new baby and go to her school stuff and be proud of her and brag about her, and I’m just...just…” She hung her head. “I’m just the one she didn’t want.” The room was quiet, other than the little girl’s tears. “You messed it all up, Papi,” she suddenly cried again. “You messed it up and you don’t even care, and I hate you!”

Rafael felt as though he’d just been sucker punched, the wind knocked right out of his system. She’d never said that, nothing even close, and while he knew she was just voicing her fear and frustration and didn’t really hate him, it certainly was painful to hear. Sonny’s face had blanched and he looked shocked.

“Marley,” Amy began, “what makes you think that you weren’t wanted?”

“She gave me up but she’s keeping this baby! It’s not fair--”

“Life isn’t fair, kiddo,” Sonny suddenly interrupted her, and his tone was strong and direct. “Your birth mother wanted you. She took good care of herself while she was pregnant, and she worked hard to make sure you went to a good home with me and Papi, and that you were healthy when you were born. She’s sent cards twice a year and cookies once a year for the last ten years, dolly. You are wanted and you are loved. It seems to me that you’re the one who’s jealous...jealous of Corrine’s new baby, and I can understand that. But Papi and I are your parents, and we have made a decision that we feel is in your best interest. You may not see your birth mother until after you are eighteen, and that also means you will not be visiting her in the Bronx. Please give me that address.” He held out his hand, and at her hesitation, added a firm, “Now.” She pulled the paper from her pocket again and put it in his hand, then crossed her arms.

“Folks, our time is about up, but I’d like to speak to Rafael privately for a moment, if I can,” Amy said, before the conversation could continue. “Sonny, would you mind taking Marlene to wait in the lobby?”

“Sure.” Sonny stood, grabbing his cane, and with a loud sigh, Marley followed him out the door.

“I wanted to tell you,” Amy said as she closed the door behind them, “that you should feel flattered that she’s chosen you to hate.”

He forced a chuckle out at that. “I’m the lucky one, huh?”

Amy smiled. “Actually, it really does indicate how closely bonded she is to you. She feels safe expressing her anger and frustration with you. She knows you’re not going to reject her. That’s terrific work on your part, Rafael. Remember when she was constantly afraid you wouldn't love her any more?”

It didn’t seem so long ago that their little girl needed the regular reassurance that she was loved and adored. “Yeah, I do,” he replied. “So what do we do now? Just let her sit with it? I know we made the right decision, but--”

“She was blatantly honest with you all, Rafael. She told you she’s scared she’s being replaced in a role she isn’t sure she really has but desperately wants anyway. Reassure her that she is enough. That she has a family who love her, that love between people is never limited, that she’s not replaceable. I see adults who often feel this same way. We’ve got to help her understand that she is enough, without needing Corrine’s presence to define her. And don’t let her words hurt you. Remember her real message today was ‘I love you enough to let you see this really ugly and confused and scared part of me.’”

“Thanks, Amy.” He stood and shook her hand. “Your words really help--I was already heading in that direction of blaming myself.”

She nodded. “Most of us do.”

***

“Did you get your reading done?” Rafael asked as he tucked Marlene in that night.

“Yeah.” She snuggled under the covers and he handed her Knuffle Bunny. “I read more minutes than I had to, but I wanted to finish that chapter.”

“Well, good.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead, then turned out the light. “I love you, mija. Sleep tight, okay?”

“Hey Papi?” She grabbed his wrist. “Can you sit with me for a minute?”

“Sure.” He tried to push the work he had to do out of his mind and focus on his daughter, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. “What’s up, buttercup?”

She looked nervous, eyes flitting between his face and his hand, where her fingers were tangling with his. “I...I was really mad at you today. And yesterday. Like so, so mad and it’s the maddest I think I’ve ever been in my whole life. Like ever.” He nodded but didn’t speak, and she sighed but continued. “I been thinkin’ that I could still go see her and you an’ Daddy can’t stop me. I remember that address. I keep tellin’ you I’m not little.” Her lips drew into a pout again and her fingers continued to play with his. “But I told you a lie ‘cause I was so mad. I said I hate you, and I don’t, Papi.” She sniffled softly. “It was mean that I said that and I’m really sorry. I know you love me so much and you an’ Daddy made that rule ‘cause you think it’s best for me. And even if I don’t always do what you say, even if my brain talks me into thinking I’m smarter than you and know a better choice, I still love you. I’ll always love you. You’re my very best papi and...and I love you so much and I’m sorry I was so mean to you.”

Rafael slowly smiled at her. “Thank you for your apology, mija. I hope you’ll remember how very much I love you too, and that’s why Daddy and I made that rule. It’s to keep you safe. Even if your brain thinks it knows better, it’s important that you trust Daddy and me, that we are doing our very best to take care of you and love you. Entiendes?”

She nodded. “I understand. I’ll try to do what you say. All I know is my brain gets tricky sometimes.”

He chuckled. “Well, as one owner of a tricky brain to another, don’t always listen to that thing when it starts thinking crazy, okay?”

She giggled. “Okay. Deal, Papi.” She wiggled her fingers with his, and he leaned over to kiss her one more time. “I love you, old Papi dad-man with the crazy thinkin’ brain.”

“You better.” He kissed her cheek and turned out the light. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and thanks for reading!
> 
> Post-concussion syndrome is a real thing. Most concussions resolve anywhere from one to thirty days after occurring. When concussion symptoms don't resolve within the expected timeline, the patient is diagnosed with Post Concussion syndrome. Obviously there's a variety of ways to manage it, but symptoms then have a longer timeline to resolve, and unfortunately, some may never resolve. We'll have to see what's in store for Sonny!
> 
> Children's therapy sessions are not usually held in the way described here; however, family sessions usually are. Because both dads were participating and they had something specific they were discussing, I chose to have them converse in this way. Most children engage in play therapy, and I would imagine that normally, Marlene would be using play therapy when she is alone with her therapist.
> 
> I don't recall ever telling my parents that I hated them, although I may have, but I do recall my own children telling ME they hated me. My response was, "hey then, I must be doing something right!" They didn't say it very often. I kind of imagine that it would really upset Rafael inside, but he'd work hard not to show it, kind of how he does here. And I do think Marley is the kind of kid who would feel guilty saying that stuff to him. 
> 
> You may have noticed that the title of this fic has changed--mainly because the direction has shifted as I've written! So goes a work in progress! Thanks for reading, and as always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time since his accident, Sonny curled up against his husband, burying his head in Rafael’s chest, his sobs shaking the bed. Rafael felt completely helpless to make things better.  
> “What if it never comes back, Rafi? What if I’m like this forever? Fuzzy mind and a half-broken body...I’m of no use for anything...or to anyone…”
> 
> “That just isn’t true, Dominick,” Rafael said firmly, and he cupped Sonny’s face with both hands. “I’ll be your memory. I’ll help however I need to. I’ll remind you of what you forget, help clear the way when you walk, make sure you have your cane. You need help right now, but that doesn’t mean you’re helpless. Understand me?”
> 
> *****
> 
> Sonny struggles with the impact of his diagnosis.

“Dammit!” Sonny cried out, grabbing onto the chair he was standing next to. “Now I just stubbed my damn toe!”

“Are you okay, Daddy?” Marlene stepped into the kitchen from the living room, looking nervously at her father. He’d been very grumpy all day, and she didn’t like it.

“I’m fine,” he snapped at her. “Are you finished packing? I thought I told you to finish that.” He sat down in the chair, rubbing his toe and shooting a glare at her.

“I’m all ready,” she replied. “You’re awfully cranky today. I’m only bein’ nice to you and you keep snapping at me!”

“Getting under my feet and not doing your chores is NOT considered being nice,” he groused as she left the kitchen, rounding the corner into the living room. Rafael was in the recliner, reading.

“You need to talk to your husband,” she told him. “He’s being mean to me.”

Rafael closed his book and sat up. “Honey, he can’t help it,” he told her quietly, hoping Sonny couldn’t hear everything. “The concussion is causing a lot of stress on his body, and that makes him worry. All of it makes a person more likely to get frustrated. Try to ignore it, okay?”

“Can I just stay at Grammy’s until he’s all better then?” she asked. “Or can he?”

Rafael smirked. “No, I’m sorry, but that’s not a solution. At least you get to spend the night tonight with Grammy. That’s good, right?”

“I guess.” She lay down on the couch. “How much longer til Grammy gets here?”

“Now,” Sonny answered her, coming into the living room with his cane. “Get your stuff, she’s downstairs. Let’s go.”

“Hey, babe.” Rafael stood up. “Why don’t you let me walk her down? I don’t want you to fall--”

“I’m supposed to practice walking as much as I can with this thing,” Sonny reminded him. “Besides, Ma wants to see me. She’s actin’ like I’ve been hiding from her.”

“Maybe she just misses you,” Marley interjected. “She’s your momma and she loves you.”

He shot her another glare, and she grabbed her duffel bag and opened the front door.

“I’ll go with you,” Rafael told him, slipping on his shoes and following them out as Sonny continued to complain.

“I’m perfectly capable of walking downstairs without assistance. If I’m too tired I can sit and rest. They have these cute little inventions called chairs, on the way!” Sonny hit the elevator button, and Marley raised one eyebrow at Rafael. He raised one back.

When they reached the car, Deb got out and embraced her son as Rafael got Marley’s bag in the trunk. “Well, you look in one piece,” she said, examining him visually. “What’s going on with the cane, honey? Did you hurt your foot when you fell?”

“No, just my head. I’m having some balance issues, that’s all. A couple weeks in physical therapy and I’ll be better than before.” He gave her a confident grin, and Rafael knew she was buying every word.

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Rafael added, and this time he was the recipient of a world-class glare. Rafael continued anyway. “He has something called Post Concussion Syndrome. They’re really working on his balance and his memory--overall, it’s good, but he has a bit of difficulty recalling certain details, or hanging on to information.”

“Is there anything we can do to help you all?” Deb asked, kissing Sonny’s cheek. “You know I worry about you, honey.”

“I know, Ma, but I’m okay. Really.” He opened her door for her. “Tell Pops I said hey and everything’s okay, all right?” Deb climbed in and shut the door, and Sonny looked past her, in the back seat at his daughter. “You listen to your grammy, y’understand?”

Deb turned to look at Marlene, who shrugged. “He keeps acting like I’m some problem child today. Maybe he hit his head harder than they thought.”

“All right, that’s--” Sonny started, but Rafael wrapped an arm around him, urging him away from the car, and a minute later Deb had pulled out of the parking spot and was leaving the garage.

“She can be a real brat, y’know,” Sonny griped, watching the car pull away.

“Huh. I had no idea.” Rafael grinned at him. “C’mon, Soleado. Upstairs. I’ll ravish you, if you’d like.”

“Hmph. You’re doing the work, on top.” Sonny slowly made his way back inside, to the elevator.

***

“Relax,” Rafael tried to soothe him as he massaged Sonny’s legs. “Remember how good this is for you? Let me help you, okay?”

Sonny groaned. “Fine, fine...just...Jesus, can you please control your hands? My leg is not a sleeve of ground chuck!”

Rafael ignored his husband’s mood, but gentled the pressure he was using. “There we go,” he murmured after a minute, when he felt Sonny relax against his hands. “Better?”

“Yeah...a bit.” Sonny closed his eyes. “I’m sorry I keep bitching at everyone. I just feel so...irritable. Anxious. Unsure of  _ everything, _ Rafael. I know Marlene went with my mom but I can’t remember why. I can’t remember everything the doctor said. I know they gave me a test the other day to be sure there was nothing else wrong, but I don’t know what it was. How can I work when I can’t remember anything? Especially as a lawyer?”

They’d had this exact conversation the night before, but it was obvious Sonny didn’t remember it, and that broke Rafael’s heart. So he repeated the same things he’d said the night before. “Well, honey, you can’t. That’s why you and I have agreed in previous conversations to go ahead and apply for short-term disability. Then you can take a little more time to heal and not be worried about your job or the finances or anything. Vanessa Hadid emailed me the paperwork yesterday--”

“You told me all of this already, didn’t you?” Sonny’s voice was full of frustration. “How many times have we had this same conversation that I don’t remember?”

Rafael ran his hand up from Sonny’s thigh, over his ass, to his back and gently began to rub again. “Oh, just once or twice. It’s not a big deal, Sonny. I can repeat it as much as you need me to. Eventually, you’ll hold on to it.”

It was quiet as Rafael continued to massage Sonny’s back, until Rafael realized his husband was crying. Unsure of what to do at first, he kept rubbing Sonny’s back until Sonny began to sob, then Rafael moved up on the bed, lying next to his husband and continuing to massage him as soothingly as he could. “You’re all right, honey. I know you’re scared, but it’s okay. We’ll work it out, and your memory will come back. It’s okay, baby.”

For the first time since his accident, Sonny curled up against his husband, burying his head in Rafael’s chest, his sobs shaking the bed. Rafael felt completely helpless to make things better.

“What if it never comes back, Rafi? What if I’m like this forever? Fuzzy mind and a half-broken body...I’m of no use for anything...or to anyone…”

“That just isn’t true, Dominick,” Rafael said firmly, and he cupped Sonny’s face with both hands. “I’ll be your memory. I’ll help however I need to. I’ll remind you of what you forget, help clear the way when you walk, make sure you have your cane. You need help right now, but that doesn’t mean you’re helpless. Understand me?”

Sonny burst into tears again. “I feel so worthless, Rafi. So worthless.”

“You are not worthless.” Rafael leaned forward and kissed him deeply, over and over, until he felt Sonny relaxing into the bed. He stroked his hair, smoothing it back against his head. “You are a beautiful and amazing man,” he murmured, sliding one of his legs between his husband’s. “Do you want me to stop?”

Sonny’s eyes were closed. This close, Rafael could see the shadow of Sonny’s facial hair coming in, see his blonde eyelashes fluttering shut as they kissed. The man was so beautiful he took Rafael’s breath away. “No,” Sonny breathed, eyes still shut as he bit his lower lip. “No, don’t stop, Rafael...please, I don’t want to be worthless at this too.”

Rafael grabbed him even more firmly, kissing him over and over again. “You could never be worthless, Soleado...never, darling. Don’t ever think that.” He pulled Sonny’s shirt up, untangling his arms and head, then tossing it to the side and kissing him again. His hands traced their way over Sonny’s chest, his index finger circling one nipple, then the other, before tracing its way down to Sonny’s navel. A minute later he was sliding a hand into Sonny’s boxers, stroking his warm cock, feeling it thicken in his hand.

They made love slowly. Rafael took the lead, encouraging Sonny to relax and receive as much as he could. He covered Sonny in kisses and caresses, murmuring how precious he was, how perfect. He worked his way down Sonny’s body, tasting and sucking, until he heard his husband sigh in pleasure and felt his body begin to relax. When he finally straddled Sonny and slid downward onto him, he felt Sonny’s hands lightly grip his thighs. Rafael could immediately feel the difference in grip between Sonny’s hands, and he suddenly realized just how much strength Sonny had lost on his left side. His mouth was open in shock and his eyes moved to meet Sonny’s. Sonny was already watching him through wet, sleepy eyes. There were damp lines down his cheeks from silent tears that had already fallen. Rafael let his body sink the last inch down, his own eyes closing as he adjusted to the pleasure in the stretch, then he leaned forward. Nearly lying on Sonny’s chest, he kissed the wet tracks on Sonny’s face. “Soleado...te amo, It will come back, my love. It will heal. You will heal. I promise.” 

Afterward, Sonny sleepily held onto him. Rafael eventually maneuvered his way out of his husband’s arms to grab a warm washcloth as well as a mug of warm tea for Sonny. He gently cleaned up his husband, then himself, before easing back into bed. Half sitting, he pulled Sonny against him and led him to sip the tea. “That’s it, honey. Just rest now...it’s going to be fine.”

But part of Rafael was afraid he was lying. It was clear his husband’s left side was weaker. He was having memory issues, personality changes, anxiety. It had only been a week since the accident, that was true. But Rafael couldn’t help but wonder what the MRI had shown. He knew they’d ruled out anything more going on, but he couldn’t help but wonder if the doctor had found more damage than they’d originally thought.

Sonny was breathing steadily on his chest, a soft in and out. Rafael kissed the top of his head and turned off the light. 


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt flustered, and his face was turning red under her scrutiny. Pretty soon she’d know, everyone would know, how useless he was right now. “Look, Marlene, I already told you I don’t care what goes in them. You started them, you finish them, okay?” He pushed his chair back, accidentally bumping into her.
> 
> “Ow! That hurt, Daddy!” she cried as Rafael put his paper down and stood up.
> 
> “Then pay attention and stay the hell outta my way!” he snapped, heading toward the bedroom. His left leg wasn’t as quick, and as he brought it forward, he accidentally kicked Pru, who yelped loudly and ran into the kitchen. “Goddammit!” he shouted, trying as hard as he could to avoid the tears welling in his eyes. But they kept coming, kept gathering, and he slammed the bedroom door then threw himself face down on the bed.
> 
> *****
> 
> Sonny learns more about his condition, but he continues to struggle with memory, mood, and balance. His biggest tests seem to center around Marlene, and he feels like he's failing one after another.

“A stroke,” Sonny repeated slowly, examining the image Dr. Bryant was showing them. 

“A very small one.” Dr Bryant pointed out the spot where the damage had occurred. “That’s the reason you’re experiencing these problems on your left side. The good news is that with physical therapy, you should rebuild the strength that you’ve lost. I’d also like to start you in occupational therapy. That will strengthen your fine motor muscles and make it easier to pick up things and to write.”

“I thought all of this was due to post-concussion syndrome?” Rafael asked. “I thought we’d covered all of it on Thursday.”

Dr Bryant smiled, then sat down on his stool. “I thought we had too, Mr. Barba. Unfortunately, when I got the results back from Sonny’s MRI, it was clear that he had suffered a very minor stroke. We can’t be sure when it happened, but there is no more bleeding in his brain, and nothing indicates any further damage or potential blockage. Some of his symptoms are quite likely part of post-concussion syndrome, while others are a result of the stroke. Either way, our treatment is the same. We want to start Sonny in a variety of therapies as soon as possible. It is quite likely he’ll make a near perfect recovery, but it may take some time.”

“What therapies?” Sonny asked. “You said some earlier, but I don’t remember.”

“Physical and occupational, to start,” Dr. Bryant replied. “It seems that your speech is fine. I’m not noticing any slurring. Are you having trouble recalling words?”

“No. No problems with that. I just forget things you told me, like the therapies.” Sonny nervously drummed his fingers on his thigh.

“He’s having some anxiety, also...some change in temperament, which I know may just be the anxiety and reaction to trauma, but I wanted to mention it,” Rafael said, and Sonny mouthed to him,  _ change in temperament??? _

The doctor nodded. “I think it would be good to consult with a therapist for that too.” He turned to Sonny. “A psychotherapist, who can help you process what happened, and your feelings about that--”

“Oh, I’ve had one of those,” Sonny interrupted. “Don’t remember her name right now, but Rafi knows her.”

Rafael nodded. “I can contact her.”

Dr. Bryant nodded. “Very well. Now let’s get a look at that balance…”

***

“So what really was her name?” Sonny asked on the way home. “I can’t remember. I just remember her glasses. Cat’s eye glasses. Cat eye lady.” He looked out the window. “Will Marlene be home today when we get there? School gets out at three, right?”

Rafael sighed. He wondered if Sonny was talking more quickly because of his anxiety. “Renata is her name, remember? She helped us a lot. Renata Cox. Remember now?”

Sonny was squinting, seemingly concentrating. “Renata...Renata...Rafi’s Renata, right? She was yours first, wasn’t she?” Seeing Rafael nod, a smile crept across his face. “I remembered that, Rafi! Rafi’s Renata!” he exclaimed victoriously.

“Good job!” Rafael praised him, feeling a little silly. “You’re right, she was my therapist first. We’ll pick up Marlene on the way home, okay? It’s a little after three now.”

“Okay.” He was silent until they arrived at the school. “Rafael, we’re good dads, aren’t we?”

“I think so. Why?” Rafael turned off the SUV and unbuckled his seatbelt.

“Then why does Marley Mae want to be with her mom? I know I was tough this weekend, but I’m not always like that, am I? Or am I? Does she hate me?” His face suddenly tensed, and he began to bite his nail.

“No, honey.” Rafael patted his shoulder. “Here she comes. We’ll talk more at home, okay?”

A moment later Marley opened the door. “Hi guys. Didja have a good day?”

“Fine. You? Did you see your mother today?”

Marley sank back in the seat. “You know she’s not there anymore! Papi made her leave!”

“Dammit,” Sonny muttered. “I can’t remember a goddamn thing. I’m sorry, Marlene. I honestly didn’t remember...my mind sucks right now. Sorry, kid.”

Marlene didn’t respond, only lay back against the seat, looking out the window for the rest of the drive.

***

On Sunday morning, Marley was already in the kitchen when both Rafael and Sonny got up. She was mixing up the batter for the weekly pancakes when they both came into the room. “What are you doing?” Sonny asked, peering into the bowl.

“Making the pancakes, silly,” she told him. “Remember, Daddy? We make pancakes every Sunday, before you and me get ready for mass. You want blueberry or chocolate chip this week?”

“Huh?” he shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to me. Whatever you want.” He poured himself a cup of coffee and took a seat at the table, rifling through the paper. Rafael was a step behind him, and settled in next to him in his regular spot.

Marley’s hands were on her hips, and she hopped off the stool she was standing on to cook and walked over to Sonny, tapping him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, Daddy, but this is your reminder since your memory isn’t working great. But you’re s’posed to cook the pancakes with me.”

Sonny looked to the bowl on the counter. She’d said she was making pancakes, he thought, but what went in them? She’d stirred them up, but what now? Was there a machine or did they go on the stove? Or maybe in the oven? For the life of him he couldn’t remember, and he was sick and tired of not remembering shit his ten-year old could do. “Honey, why don’t you do it today?” he asked, trying to be sweet by adding a smile. “I bet you’re a great cook.”

She crossed her arms in front of her. “Because we always cook together on Sunday mornings, You always say you like cooking with me.”

He felt flustered, and his face was turning red under her scrutiny. Pretty soon she’d know, everyone would know, how useless he was right now. “Look, Marlene, I already told you I don’t care what goes in them. You started them, you finish them, okay?” He pushed his chair back, accidentally bumping into her.

“Ow! That hurt, Daddy!” she cried as Rafael put his paper down and stood up.

“Then pay attention and stay the hell outta my way!” he snapped, heading toward the bedroom. His left leg wasn’t as quick, and as he brought it forward, he accidentally kicked Pru, who yelped loudly and ran into the kitchen. “Goddammit!” he shouted, trying as hard as he could to avoid the tears welling in his eyes. But they kept coming, kept gathering, and he slammed the bedroom door then threw himself face down on the bed.

“He’s so mean,” Marley sobbed against Rafael’s chest. “He hates me now, Papi. He hates me an’ Pru.”

“No he doesn’t, mija. He doesn’t hate you at all...he’s just scared, baby. He’s just afraid that he won’t remember. Why don’t you and I make the pancakes? I’m pretty hungry for some of your world-class pancakes!” He smiled and kissed her forehead, continuing to tease her until she began to giggle and the cakes were cooking on the skillet.

As they finished their breakfast, Rafael tapped Marlene’s wrist. “Say, what do you think about putting a couple pancakes on a plate for Daddy? You could take it to him and see if he feels like eating now.”

She began to chew more slowly, then shook her head. “I don’t think he wants to see me, Papi. He doesn’t like me very much right now.”

Rafael felt a pain stab straight through his heart. “You know that’s not true, honey. Daddy loves you very much, and so do I. He’s just having a really, really rough time right now. I bet it would make him feel better to see you and to eat a couple pancakes. What do you think? Can you try?”

She dropped her gaze to her plate, and he knew she was weighing her options. Finally, she nodded. “Okay, but if he doesn’t want them, I’m not gonna argue with him.”

“Okay,” Rafael agreed, but he couldn’t imagine Sonny turning her away. He helped her get the pancakes and syrup on the plate and get together silverware and napkins. She took his coffee and put it all on a tray, then carried it down the hallway.

He’d just picked up his paper again when she returned with the entire tray in her hands and set it on the kitchen table. Seeing his expression of surprise, she said, “He says he doesn’t want it.” She made her way around the kitchen table, then headed to her room. “Pru!” she called. “C’mon, Pru baby.” He watched the little dog scamper after her, and she closed the door.

The apartment felt very empty, and so did he.

***

“I need to apologize to her, don’t I?”

Sonny had been crying. Rafael knew he was in pain from how he’d acted all day, but he hadn’t realized just how much Sonny was in touch with his own pain until he entered the bedroom sometime that afternoon. He found his husband on the bed, head buried in his arms, crying.

“Of course you do, honey. But you can apologize and you can make it up to her. She just needs to know that you care. I’ve tried to explain what’s going on, but I think if she can hear it from you herself, that would help.” Rafael stroked Sonny’s back gently, trying to be as supportive as he could. Truth be told, he’d winced along with Marlene at some of Sonny’s words today, and he was anxious for Sonny to fix it.

Sonny nodded and sat up, rubbing his eyes. “I guess I need to call cat eye lady tomorrow and make an appointment,” he said, and Rafael chuckled. “I know I wanted to get away from her, but for some reason I keep coming back.”

“Well, cats have nine lives. Maybe you’re supposed to go back nine times,” Rafael teased, and Sonny offered up a laugh, despite the pathetic nature of the joke.

Sonny stood. “Wish me luck,” he said, then left the bedroom and headed down the hallway. The house was quiet; in fact, he didn’t even hear the dog and her usual snorty panting. He knocked on his daughter’s door. “Marlene?”

She didn’t answer him. Served him right, he figured. He’d been such an asshole all day, and she was just a little girl. “Marley, it’s Daddy and I want to apologize--”

The door wasn’t latched and it lazily swung open to reveal an empty room. Bathroom, of course, he thought, and turned around to face that door, but it was open as well.

“Rafael?” he called. “Did you send Marley out with Pru? They’re not in here.”

“What?” Rafael emerged quickly from their bedroom. “No...she’s not allowed to walk the dog by herself. What do you mean she’s not in here? She’s got to be in here.” He headed toward his daughter’s room, calling her name loudly. “Marlene! If you’re hiding, this isn’t funny. It’s time to come out. Pru! Juris Prudence! C’mere puppy!”

Sonny stepped toward the door. “Rafael...she’s gone.” He slowly approached the door, noting the open deadbolt and the piece of paper taped to it.”

Rafael was next to him in a heartbeat, carefully taking down the note. “Dear Papi, I’m very sorry. I know you might not believe it, but I tried real REAL hard to be a good kid so you and Daddy can love me. But I just keep making Daddy mad now. I’m just not good enough. I think I should go try to be Corrine’s girl. Maybe I can be better there. I will miss you so much, Papi. My heart hurts but I’m gonna be brave like you tell me when I’m scared. I love you so much. Love, Marlene Elizabeth Barba-Carisi. P.S.--I took Pru with me. I hope that’s okay.”

Rafael stood still, rereading his ten-year old’s writing as Sonny sank into the recliner, put his head in his hands, and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Strokes happen when blood is cut off to part of the brain. They can actually happen at any age, and can be of any severity. If you think someone is having a stroke, you want to get them to the hospital as soon as possible. The sooner they can renew the blood flow, the better the recovery. Symptoms of stroke include numbness and/or weakness on one side, sudden confusion or difficulty understanding speech or speaking, a very intense headache (people often say the worst they've ever had), and sudden trouble with balance/coordination. In Sonny's case, the concussion caused a small blood clot to form and eventually break off, then clog up an artery before loosening again. 
> 
> Poor Marlene has had a tough time, between meeting her birth mom briefly, having her gone, and then having her dad's personality suddenly change on her. Things will eventually right themselves, but it's a little sticky for the near future.
> 
> Comments and kudos are so appreciated!


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corrine opened the screen door, her face full of concern. She looked around the street, but saw nobody else. “Marlene?” she asked uncertainly, “what are you doing here?”
> 
> She had to pee. In her mind, she’d pictured her mother excitedly embracing her, hugging her tightly, calling her “baby”. None of that was happening, and now she also had to pee.
> 
> “Um, could I use the bathroom, please?” she asked. “I really need to go.”
> 
> “Of course,” Corrine replied, shaking her head as though coming out of a daze. “Come in.” Marley stepped inside of the house, and Corrine directed her to a half bath just inside the door. “It’s right here. Do your dads know you’re here?”
> 
> “Yeah,” Marley said, figuring somebody had to have read her note by now. Corrine’s face didn’t soften, though, so Marley stepped into the bathroom and closed the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll give you a heads up--this was a three-kleenex chapter for me, and so was the last one. I cry easily, so maybe it won't be that way for you. Don't you just love it when your own writing makes you cry? lol 
> 
> I actually did some research on housing choices in the Bronx. All I knew was the stereotypical seventies mess of the Bronx. Think Welcome Back Kotter and el barrio. Thankfully, there are lots of great options now, and apparently there are plenty of areas that are safe and pleasant. I learn so much writing fanfic! If you live in the Bronx and I just offended you, please forgive me--I'm trying to learn! I do imagine that Corrine grew up in the projects, but now she and her new husband have purchased or rent this cute little rowhouse, the one with the blue door and pretty wreath. 
> 
> I do NOT know what uber's policy is regarding transporting kids without an adult. For the sake of argument here, I envision they'll happily accept anyone's plastic. Marley has cleverly used the app on her papi's phone to order herself an uber. She's also swiped a credit card, but we'll get to that later.
> 
> Comments and kudos are so appreciated! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

“That dog house trained?” The uber driver eyed Pru skeptically as Marley climbed into the car.

“Uh, duh,” she replied, as the pug jumped onto the seat next to her. “She’s good.”

A minute later they were heading through Manhattan traffic in the direction of the Bronx. 

Marley reached over and petted Pru on the head. She couldn’t think about Daddy right now, or Papi, because it would make her cry. Her whole entire life, she’d lived with Daddy and Papi. They’d taken care of her and loved her. They’d always tried to make sure she had everything she needed, and even gave her a lot of what she wanted. They were good dads. They deserved a kid who was good. She just kept making Daddy mad, and it wasn’t his fault. Like Papi said, he was really scared and hurt right now. Daddy could get better if she wasn’t around. He would feel better. And once he was okay, maybe she could call him and explain. 

Corrine was her mom. No matter what Papi or anybody else said, Corrine gave birth to her. She looked like her. They liked the same things. Corrine wanted to talk to her. She wanted her around. Isn’t that what she had said at school that day, before Papi made her leave? She’d said they could hang out! Marley knew in her heart that Corrine  _ wanted  _ her. Now that Corrine had a job and a husband, she bet Corrine would do whatever she could to get Marley back. And Marley could tell the judge that she wanted to be with her mom. Judges listened to kids sometimes, she knew. She’d heard Papi and Daddy talk about that. Especially if the kid was smart and could explain themselves. She was smart and a good talker. The judge would listen to her.

Her phone dinged and she pulled it out, knowing it was probably a message from Papi. It was.

**_Papi:_ ** _ Marley, we love you very much. I need you to come home now. We can talk about all of this and work something out, but you need to come home right now, mija. _

Marley felt her chest squeeze super tight and her eyes started to well with tears. More than anything, she hated to disappoint her papi. She turned her phone off and tucked it back into her backpack.

***

“Do you think she’ll come back? Where is she right now?” Sonny’s voice had an edge of hysteria to it, and Rafael sat down next to him.

“Calm down,” he said firmly. “We’ve got a GPS on her phone, and she’s headed to the Bronx. I’m going to follow her. We already know she’s going to Corrine’s. I’ve got the address and I’ll go out there and get her.”

“You don’t think Corrine is in on this, do you? What if she keeps her, Rafi? What if she hides her?” Sonny looked panicked. “For all we know, Corrine planned this and is kidnapping her!”

Rafael shook his head. “I don’t think so, Sonny. I think this is strictly Marlene’s idea.” He stood up and grabbed his coat and keys, then checked his wallet. Picking up his phone, he checked for Corrine’s address, then called an uber. “You stay here and try to rest, all right?”

“It’s my fault, Rafi. It’s all my fault. I’ve been horrible to that little girl ever since I got hurt. My damn head…” He slapped the side of his head. “I’m an idiot! She deserves so much better than me!”

“Sonny!” Rafael swiftly moved to him, placing a hand on either side of his husband’s head. “Don’t you do that...don’t you ever hurt yourself…” He pulled Sonny into a bear hug, and his husband collapsed into tears yet again. “It’s going to be okay, Sonny. It’s gonna be okay.”

***

The uber pulled up to a rowhouse with a blue door and a wreath hanging on it. The porch light was on and it looked homey, almost as if somebody was waiting for her to arrive, she thought. Marley pulled her backpack on and took Pru’s leash. “Thanks, mister,” she told the driver, and he nodded at her as she opened the door and got out of the car. Pru immediately ran to the small patch of grass nearby to relieve herself, and Marley took a deep breath to calm her clanging heart. 

Once Pru was finished, she led the dog up a handful of steps to the blue door and pressed the bell. Shifting foot to foot, she waited anxiously, until suddenly she heard somebody unlocking the door. Corrine opened it, wearing a hoodie and some leggings, looking incredibly comfortable and soft, and Marley thought she looked exactly how she’d always imagined her mom would look on a night at home.

“Hi,” Marley said, trying to steady her voice, and she gave Corrine a toothy smile. 

Corrine opened the screen door, her face full of concern. She looked around the street, but saw nobody else. “Marlene?” she asked uncertainly, “what are you doing here?”

She had to pee. In her mind, she’d pictured her mother excitedly embracing her, hugging her tightly, calling her “baby”. None of that was happening, and now she also had to pee.

“Um, could I use the bathroom, please?” she asked. “I really need to go.”

“Of course,” Corrine replied, shaking her head as though coming out of a daze. “Come in.” Marley stepped inside of the house, and Corrine directed her to a half bath just inside the door. “It’s right here. Do your dads know you’re here?”

“Yeah,” Marley said, figuring somebody had to have read her note by now. Corrine’s face didn’t soften, though, so Marley stepped into the bathroom and closed the door.

***

Rafael was in an uber, heading to the Bronx.

It had taken a little while to get Sonny cared for. In the end, Rafael took him to Rollins’ place. The time with the girls would be good for him, they all felt, especially since he was feeling overly responsible for Marlene. As soon as they had arrived, Jesse had hugged Sonny, reducing him to tears again. “He’ll be fine,” Amanda reassured Rafael. “Go get your little girl. Give her some love for me.”

The ride was roughly forty minutes, giving him quite a while to think. He knew Sonny had been snippy with Marley, but he also knew that things hadn’t felt right since Marlene had gotten the Christmas card over the holiday from Corrine saying she was pregnant. Then everything happened with the school and Corrine substituting there. He knew his daughter had always wanted an official mom, and maybe they had somehow failed her by not providing one. Should he have allowed more contact with Corrine? Should they have assigned a particular woman in their lives the official role of ‘mother’? He wondered what Corrine would think when she opened the door and saw her daughter there. 

His phone rang, and he dug it out of his pocket. It was Corrine, and his heart suddenly took off in his chest once again. “Corrine?” he asked, “Is Marlene with you?” He knew his voice had an edge, but he couldn’t help it. Truth be told, he loved Marlene in a way that he loved nobody else in this world. Not even his love for his husband could compare. He’d never experienced anything like it before and doubted he would ever again. He would go to the ends of the earth for his daughter, with no hesitation or explanation, but right now all he wanted was to have her home and safe again.

***

Corrine watched the girl close the door, then quickly went into the kitchen, where she’d left her cell phone. “Barba-Carisi…” she muttered to herself. “There it is.” She dialed the number and waited.

The phone barely rang when Rafael picked it up. “Corrine? Is Marlene with you?” She’d never heard the man upset before, but she could hear the fear in his voice now, and something about it reassured her even more that he loved his daughter tremendously.

“Yeah, she just got here. I promise I did not know she was coming, Rafael--”

“I know you didn’t. She’s gotten it into her head that she’s not good enough for us...and that your new baby will replace her, and you’ll never want to know her later if you don’t know her now.” She heard him clear his throat and blow his nose. “I’m on my way right now to get her, if you don’t mind holding on to her until I get there…”

“Of course,” she told him, turning slightly to see Marlene standing in the foyer, watching her. “See you soon.” She hung up her phone.

“Was that my papi?” Marley asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yes, it was.” Corrine took a couple steps toward her, then motioned to the sectional in the living room. “Why don’t we sit down and talk for a bit until he gets here? I think we need to.”

Marley led Pru over to the couch and sat down. The little pug tried to join her mistress, but her legs were too short, so Marlene picked her up. Pru settled herself snug into Marley’s side, and Corrine took a seat catacorner from her young visitor. “Marlene,” she began, “I’m wondering why you came here.”

“Because you’re my mom,” she replied, petting Pru. “Kids belong with their moms.”

Corrine was quiet for a moment, thinking. “Kids belong with their parents. Rafael and Sonny are your parents. I’m not.”

“You’re my birth mom,” Marley corrected. “I’m not a little baby anymore. I can take care of myself mainly, so you wouldn’t have to do much. I can help you with my baby sister, too! I’ve always been a good helper. You can ask Papi when he gets here. All you’d have to do is just give me a place to sleep and some food. And I’ll help out with everything. And you can teach me how to make those cookies...the gingerbread ones! We can hang out, and you can teach me all about how to be a girl and we can do makeup and stuff...and maybe one day you can even tell me about my dad. My real dad.” The word felt dangerous on her tongue, but she let it fall out anyway. 

“No. No, we’re not talking about that, Marlene.” Corrine’s response was immediate, and she crossed her arms. “Marlene, you need to understand something. I know you’re only ten years old, so I’m going to try to explain this in a way you can understand. I am not your mother. When I put you up for adoption, I did that because I couldn’t be a mom to you. I didn’t have the money to care for a baby. But I also didn’t want to be a mom. I wanted to go to school, and go on dates, and live the life all my friends were living. Do you understand? Your dads wanted to be parents. You’re THEIR kid, not mine.”

Marley shook her head. “But that was ten years ago! You’re gonna be a mom now, to a new baby. You can be a mom to me too, now. Right? You’re ready now!”

Corrine’s hand went to her belly, slowly stroking back and forth, and a dreamy smile took over her face. “I’m ready to be a mom to  _ this  _ baby, Marlene. This is my baby. I’m ready to be a mom to a little baby who needs me...not to a ten-year old. I can’t be who you want me to be, Marlene. I will never be your mom, not how you want. I don’t want to raise you. That’s Rafael and Sonny’s job, not mine. I don’t want to be responsible for you. Look, I know you’re a great kid. And I know that overall, you’re a happy kid. I know you’ve got a great home and two dads that love you. My job was to find you a home with parents who would love you, and I did that. That was my responsibility to you, and I took it seriously, and did it. But you’re not my responsibility now. You’re not my kid. I’m not your mom. I don’t want to raise you. Understand?”

“No, I don’t!” Marley began to cry. “But you said...you said you wanted to get to know me,” she whispered, eyes wide and filled with tears.

“And one day I do,” Corrine replied, forcing as much honesty from herself as she could. “One day, when you’re an adult woman, I’d love to sit down for coffee and chat. To get to know you as an adult. But I’ve never seen myself as your mother, and I don’t think that will ever change. I’m sorry, Marlene. I’m sorry that you want more from me. Maybe one day when you’re old enough to have children you’ll understand.”

Marley sat in silence, her body shaking. She felt so stupid. How could she have ever believed this stupid bitch loved her? All she’d ever done is sent her a couple cookies. Papi loved her. Papi quit his job to take care of her when she was in kindergarten. Daddy loved her. Daddy had cried that time she broke her arm. Grammy and Grampy loved her; they always said so. So did Abby and Mateo. She had all these people at home who loved her and here she was, sitting on the couch of a woman who didn’t even want to give her a bed or a meal. 

“Are you okay, Marlene?” Corrine asked. “Can I get you anything?”

Marley’s large green eyes looked up, taking in Corrine’s face, and for the first time in her young life, she thought she felt her heart break. “I hate you,” she snapped at the woman who resembled her so much. Corrine looked as if she were going to say something, but then she sighed and left the room.

Pru lay her head in Marlene’s lap, an act of comfort, and the little girl hid her face in the dog’s fur.


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s okay,” Jesse tried to comfort him. “Uncle Rafi will bring her back. You know she loves both of you, and you know how she can’t stand to disappoint her papi!” Jesse giggled and rolled her eyes as though she were sharing girl gossip, but when she looked at Sonny again, he wasn’t smiling.
> 
> “She worries about disappointing Rafael? Does she ever talk about me?”
> 
> “Of course she does!” Jesse reassured him. “You’re the funny one, Uncle Sonny! You’re the one that makes her laugh, that she knows will be silly with her...you’re the one who doesn’t get so mad when her grades aren’t so great and stuff. That’s important, Uncle Sonny. Really important. Plus you teach her cool stuff like how to cook. She loves cooking with you!”
> 
> Sonny winced, suddenly remembering the pancake fiasco that morning. Why did he forget how important it was to cook with his daughter?
> 
> *****
> 
> Rafael is reunited with his daughter while Sonny spends some time--and processes some guilt--with the Rollinses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, to be honest, I'd still keep the tissues handy. What can I say? And yes, I cried writing it, too.
> 
> These three don't give up on anybody, particularly each other. Like, ever. I love that about their characters. 
> 
> I once tried to run away when I was a little younger than Marlene. I was nine years old. I don't remember what precipitated it, but I do remember I felt like nobody loved me or wanted me around. I had this little yellow Samsonite suitcase (seriously) and I packed it. It was close to dinner time and my dad must have just gotten home from work. When I was a kid, we did not have a very close relationship. But I will never forget how he came into my room that evening and talked to me. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember he didn't laugh or make fun of me. He made me feel like I mattered. And I unpacked my bag. I think so often, we all just need to feel like we matter.
> 
> Comments and kudos are so wonderful! I hope you enjoy this chapter.

“Hey Uncle Sonny.” Jesse peeked into her mother’s bedroom, where Sonny was lying alone on the bed. “Momma said to bring you some tea.” She set the mug on the nightstand next to him, then sat down on the edge of the bed. “I’m so sorry Marley ran away. That was just dumb of her. I don’t know why she’d do something like that when she’s got two great dads that love her so much! If I had you as a dad, I’d never want to leave!” Jesse’s voice had gotten louder, more intense, and she suddenly looked embarrassed. “Ever, Uncle Sonny,” she added, more quietly. “You’re a great daddy.”

Sonny smiled at Jesse. “Not always,” he clarified, sharing honestly. “I’ve been rude and ugly to Marlene the last couple of weeks, since I hit my head. I’ve said things that have hurt her feelings and snapped at her. I think the way you feel about wanting a dad is how she feels about wanting a mom. And then I went and gave her a reason to want to leave…” He shook his head.

“It’s okay,” Jesse tried to comfort him. “Uncle Rafi will bring her back. You know she loves both of you, and you know how she can’t stand to disappoint her papi!” Jesse giggled and rolled her eyes as though she were sharing girl gossip, but when she looked at Sonny again, he wasn’t smiling.

“She worries about disappointing Rafael? Does she ever talk about me?”

“Of course she does!” Jesse reassured him. “You’re the funny one, Uncle Sonny! You’re the one that makes her laugh, that she knows will be silly with her...you’re the one who doesn’t get so mad when her grades aren’t so great and stuff. That’s important, Uncle Sonny. Really important. Plus you teach her cool stuff like how to cook. She loves cooking with you!”

Sonny winced, suddenly remembering the pancake fiasco that morning. Why did he forget how important it was to cook with his daughter?

“Jess.” Amanda appeared in the doorway. “It’s time for bed, kiddo.”

Jesse slid off the bed. “I know. I’m goin’.” They watched her leave the bedroom and head down the hall.

“She’s not wrong, you know,” Amanda told him, taking her daughter’s place on the bed. “Kids need that fun, silly parent. And you’re a great daddy.” Patting his hip, she added, “We all have times we snap, Sonny. The words you’ve said may have been painful, but they’re a drop in the bucket of all the words you’ve said to that girl. This isn’t about you saying a couple sharp things to Marley...it’s about something bigger. That poor kid’s been searching for a mom since she was old enough to talk, and she managed to convince herself that this was a good excuse to try to make it work.”

Sonny watched her carefully as she spoke, her sincerity ringing clear to him. “You really think so?” he asked. He couldn’t remember the cruel words he’d said anymore and was almost thankful for that, so he couldn’t replay them over and over again.

“I do,” she answered, standing up, then placing a kiss on his temple. “Rest, Carisi, okay?”

He nodded, watching her exit the room. He closed his eyes, taking his rosary into his hands, and prayed for his daughter.

***

Rafael took the steps two at a time and pressed the doorbell.

Despite a forty minute drive, he still had no idea what he was going to say to his daughter. Part of him was angry--the last thing he wanted to do on a Sunday night was trek to the Bronx to hunt down his ten-year old. Not to mention, he’d already found her uber order. As much as he admired how clever she was, he was also annoyed at the extra hundred plus dollar expense of two ubers out here and one back.

But at the same time, his heart was breaking along with hers. He didn’t know what Corrine would have said to her by now. He prayed it was a gentle letdown, but he had no idea. What if Corrine had decided she really did want Marlene back in her life? He’d already made a list of attorneys in his mind who could help him. But that wouldn’t fix the fact that Marley wanted to be here. And that was the part he couldn’t make sense of. Hadn’t he been a good dad? Hadn’t he provided her with a safe and secure home, with friends and family and tons of love? Where had he gone wrong? Was this really because he and Sonny were men...did it really come down to a lack of a vagina?

Corrine opened the door a minute later. She forced a smile at him, but her face was pinched and he knew immediately things were not going well. He opened the screen door and entered the house.

Marley was sitting on the couch, face buried in her arms, and Pru was next to her. “She’s right here,” Corrine said, motioning to the couch. “I’m afraid I’ve hurt her feelings, which wasn’t my intent, but I felt like she needed to understand why I put her up for adoption.” She turned to Rafael and met his eyes. “I can’t be her mother, Rafael. I’m so sorry if that hurts, but I thought everyone understood that when I put her up for adoption. If I could have been her mother, I would have kept her. This baby, the last ten years, that doesn’t change anything. I gave her up so that she could have a good life, but so that I could have a good one too.” She turned back toward the couch. “I’m sorry, Marlene. I never meant to hurt you.”

Rafael walked over to Marlene and crouched down. “Mija? You ready to go home?” he asked quietly, and he saw the back of her head nod. Next thing he knew, her arms were wrapped around his neck. He carefully picked her up and she wrapped her legs around him so he could carry her; he grabbed Pru’s leash and headed toward the front door. “Thank you for calling me,” he said politely to Corrine, unsure of what else to say. She nodded and held the door open for him. 

He navigated his way slowly down the steps to the uber and got everyone inside. Marley slid over and buckled her seatbelt, keeping a forearm pressed over her eyes. Once he was buckled in, she turned to him again and buried her head in his chest. They said nothing, and the only sound was the pop music coming through the radio station in the car.

***

“Where’s Daddy?” was the first thing Marley said since he picked her up at Corrine’s. They’d just gotten home and it was almost ten at night.

“He’s at Auntie Amanda’s. I think he’s spending the night there tonight. Let’s get you ready for bed, okay? It’s late.” He put a hand on her shoulder and guided her back to her bedroom. Marley immediately opened her drawer, pulling out some pajamas to sleep in. “I’m going to change my clothes, but I’ll be back to check on you in a few minutes, okay?” Rafael gave her a warm smile, and she forced one back, nodding.

“Papi? If you talk to Daddy, will you tell him I’m sorry if I made him mad?” She looked down. “I’ll stay in my room if he wants to come home. That way I won’t bother him.”

“Marlene.” Rafael stepped over and pulled her into a tight hug. “He’s at Amanda’s because I didn’t want to leave him alone. He still might fall easily or get confused, and I thought it would be better for him to be with an adult. He is NOT mad at you, honey. Daddy knows the things he’s said to you are not okay, and he’s working on it. And I promise that I’ll do a better job of getting on him if he’s saying things that he shouldn’t say.” They stood in silence for a moment, and then he pulled back slightly. “Is that why you left? Or was it something else?”

Marley shrugged. “A little. I thought maybe I was makin’ it worse...but I also thought she wanted me...and I was really wrong.” She pulled back and sat on her bed. “I feel so dumb.”

“You’re not dumb, honey.” He knelt down next to her bed, taking her hands in his. “You’re an amazing little girl. I can understand that you wanted your mom in your life. Wanting her in your life doesn’t make you dumb, Marlene. It makes you human, with a big, loving heart.”

Her head hung low, and a single tear dripped onto their hands. “She doesn’t want me. She even told you so.” She sniffed. “I hate her.”

Rafael wasn’t sure what to say. His own feelings were intense and complex and, at the moment, swirling inside. But he felt he needed to say something, so he settled on, “I can understand how you would feel that way right now.”

“I’m gonna feel that way forever!” she suddenly yelled. “She’s a mean bitch and I hate her! I hate her, I hate her, Papi!” She burst into tears. “I hate her…”

She crumpled against him again, sobbing once more, and he held her close, slowly rocking them back and forth. He thought about Lucia, and all of the issues they’d had. For all of their shit, she’d never denied him, never turned him out. And he knew, going forward, that he was going to do his best to make sure this little girl knew no matter what, she belonged with him. No matter what other people said or did, she’d always have a home wherever he was, and nothing would change that. Ever.

***

The phone rang two, three times before Sonny picked up. “Rafi?” he asked sleepily on the other end.

“Hey, Soleado,” Rafael said quietly. He was seated on the end of Marlene’s bed with only the nightlight on in the room. Marley was under the covers, in her pajamas, and Rafael was in a tee shirt and lounge pants. It had taken a long while to calm Marlene down, and after that they’d changed into pajamas and had a snack before brushing teeth. Once she’d climbed into bed, she’d asked about Sonny again, so he’d immediately pulled his phone out and dialed. It would be good for all of them. “How are you doing?”

“Just tired--is Marley with you? Is she there?” Sonny asked anxiously.

“She’s right here. We’re getting ready to go to bed. You wanna talk to her, honey?” At Sonny’s agreement, Rafael smiled and held his phone out. “Daddy wants to talk to you.”

Marley took the phone slowly and put it to her ear. “Hello, Daddy?”

“Oh my God.  _ Marlene.  _ I’ve been so scared.” Sonny couldn’t choke back the lump in his throat any longer, and he felt the tears take over. “Oh honey, don’t ever leave again, okay? I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry for the things I said. I don’t know why I said them, other than my brain just isn’t right since I hit my head. But I’m so sorry, baby. I love you more than anything. You and Papi are my world.”

Marley was sniffling, crying and nodding as her dad spoke, until he stopped. Then she sniffled again and said, “I’m sorry I made you mad, Daddy, and I’m sorry I ran away. I didn’t mean to make you sad and mad.”

“Baby, it’s okay. I love you. You are  _ my daughter. You are mine. _ Understand? You belong here, dolly, with us.”

“I know, Daddy,” she answered, looking at Rafael. “I know I’m s’posed to be here, with my dads. I love you, too.” She rubbed her eye with a fist as she let out a huge yawn. “Hold on, here’s Papi.”

Rafael took the phone back. “You okay for the night? Can we pick you up in the morning? I’d thought we would pick you up and then play hookey, the three of us...yes?”

“Yes, absolutely, Rafael. I love you, honey.”

They said their goodbyes and Rafael hung up his cell, then turned to his daughter. “Better?”

She nodded. “Promise I’m not a bad kid?”

“Cross my heart.” He smiled, then leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Marlene, I really hope you’ll never do this again. It’s so absolutely scary and sad, and we love you so much…”

“Don’t worry, Papi. I love you so much too. I don’t wanna ever do this again either. It was terrible.” She sniffled one more time, then snuggled up to Knuffle Bunny.

“Goodnight baby,” he murmured, from the doorway. “Te amo, mija.”

“I love you too...leave my door open, Papi, please?”

“Sure.” He did just that, then headed to the living room. He would sleep in the recliner tonight with a blanket. He needed to be closer, in case she needed him. She’d been through a lot.

And after all, he thought, he was her dad. And that’s what parents do.


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marley rolled her eyes. “You don’t get it. Of all people, I’d think YOU would understand, but obviously you don’t, so…”
> 
> “Yeah, I don’t! Sonny is YOUR DAD. Do you know what I would do for Sonny to be my dad? To have a dad who shows up for my stuff? Who makes jokes and laughs and even TALKS to me? Who taught me how to cook and made cookies with me every year? Who loved me more than life?” Seeing that Marlene was playing with lipstick and ignoring her, she tapped her hard on the shoulder. “Somebody needs to straighten you out! Your dad was CRYING, Marlene...do you get that? He was lying on my mom’s bed crying that you were gone. He told me he thinks he’s a bad father because of you leaving.” 
> 
> Marley continued to put on lip gloss, watching herself in the mirror and saying nothing as Jesse’s face grew red. “Hey!” she shouted and shoved Marley in the shoulder. “I’m talkin’ to you, Marlene Barba-Carisi! Are you deaf or stupid?”
> 
> Marlene shoved the lip gloss wand back in its container and screwed the cap on. “I may be stupid,” she snapped, tossing the lipgloss down, “but you’re a bitch, and I can always get smarter! Maybe YOU should live with my birth mom! You both are little bitches!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> If you're new to this AU, it's important to know that Marlene and Jesse have been friends their whole lives, and have gotten into some interesting tangles together (my favorite being The Sleepover). Jesse adores Sonny and wishes more than anything that he was her father. Sonny tries to be supportive to both Jesse and Billie while also being sensitive to his daughter, who's expressed a little jealousy from time to time. During "The Separation", Jesse openly wished that Sonny and Rafael would split for good and Sonny would marry her mother. That fantasy didn't go over well with any of the Barba-Carisis. It is important to note that in this AU, Sonny and Rafael are madly in love and have never had eyes for anyone else, even when things have been difficult. 
> 
> Another important point is the return of Renata the counselor. Renata first appeared in "Bound" as Rafael's therapist. She served as a therapist for the couple in The Ups and Downs of Loving You, and is pretty much the one they turn to whenever they are needing any kind of adult therapeutic help. She's a little quirky and hippie-ish, but Rafael thinks she is the best thing ever, and Sonny has slowly come around to believing that she can be very helpful to their marriage. She's easy to talk to and they both trust her; Rafael trusts her implicitly now but Sonny, ironically, is a little slower to be completely open.
> 
> Kudos and comments rock! Hope you enjoy!

“I really don’t understand you,” Jesse said, holding up the mirror and inspecting her eyes. She and Marley were in Marley’s room, playing with makeup. Jesse had come over after school to hang out with Marlene. Sonny had left for an appointment, and Rafael was working in his home office.

“Well, there’s a shock,” Marley returned sarcastically. “Is this gonna be a lecture about Sunday? I’m really gonna get one from you, too?”

Jesse looked surprised. “Who else has gotten after you? I mean, everybody should have, but your dads were both so upset, I figured they’d buy you a puppy to make you happy...except you already have one.” She reached over and patted Pru on the head. “Such a good girl, aren’t you? Not as good as Frannie, but close.”

Marley rolled her eyes. “You don’t get it. Of all people, I’d think YOU would understand, but obviously you don’t, so…”

“Yeah, I don’t! Sonny is YOUR DAD. Do you know what I would do for Sonny to be my dad? To have a dad who shows up for my stuff? Who makes jokes and laughs and even TALKS to me? Who taught me how to cook and made cookies with me every year? Who loved me more than life?” Seeing that Marlene was playing with lipstick and ignoring her, she tapped her hard on the shoulder. “Somebody needs to straighten you out! Your dad was CRYING, Marlene...do you get that? He was lying on my mom’s bed crying that you were gone. He told me he thinks he’s a bad father because of you leaving.” 

Marley continued to put on lip gloss, watching herself in the mirror and saying nothing as Jesse’s face grew red. “Hey!” she shouted and shoved Marley in the shoulder. “I’m talkin’ to you, Marlene Barba-Carisi! Are you deaf or stupid?”

Marlene shoved the lip gloss wand back in its container and screwed the cap on. “I may be stupid,” she snapped, tossing the lipgloss down, “but you’re a bitch, and I can always get smarter! Maybe YOU should live with my birth mom! You both are little bitches!”

Jesse’s blue eyes went wide. “You’re a goddamned BABY!” she yelled, and dove on top of Marlene, grabbing a braid and yanking hard. “You hear that, ya BABY? Who do you think you are…” Marlene grabbed for a handful of blonde hair and slapped Jesse’s back…”treating Sonny like that, huh, you brat?” Jesse smacked Marlene in the stomach, just as Marley flipped her down on the floor. Pru barked loudly a handful of times, almost as though she were rooting for them to continue the fight.

“Ow, you fuckin’ bitch! Don’t...hit...me!” Marley tried to pin Jesse to the floor with her leg, and Jesse’s arm went up to push Marley’s head away. Marley pinned Jesse’s shoulder down with one hand, and that was the position that Rafael found them in a second later.

“Marlene Elizabeth!” he yelled in a tone neither girl had ever heard before. “Get off of her RIGHT NOW!” Before she could right herself, she felt her father’s hands cupping her under her arms and pulling her off of Jesse. Both girls were gasping for breath, and now Rafael was too, as he looked back and forth between the girls with wide eyes. Jesse pulled herself up off of the floor, moving to a corner, and sat cross-legged, straightening her sweater and her hair. “Now somebody tell me,” Rafael began, eyes still large, “what in the hell is going on here?”

“She called me a bitch,” Jesse told him, crossing her arms. “Then she pulled my hair and hit me!”

“Because you called me a stupid baby! And a brat because Daddy got upset…” She suddenly went silent. Rafael watched her expression change from anger to something closer to guilt or embarrassment, and he sighed as he took a seat on Marlene’s bed.

“All right, girls.” He rested his palms on his thighs. “First off, name calling and physical fighting is not allowed here. By residents and guests alike,” he added, eyeing each of them, and they each looked down when he turned to them. “Second, as flattered as Sonny might be, Jess, he doesn’t need you to stand up for him. If he has a problem with Marlene, he will take that up with her...and I’m sure she will take it up with him, if the opposite is true. That being said, if YOU have a problem with Marlene that you were trying to discuss with her, I can understand that you would expect her to respond to you. Did she?”

“Of course not!” Jesse threw her hands up in exasperation. “She never does! I don’t like how she treated him, and maybe it’s none of my business! But all I was tryin’ to say to her is that if Sonny was MY dad, I would be thanking God every single day for having a dad who loved me so much! I don’t understand why she ran off to be with some lady she doesn’t even know--”

“Because I AM stupid, Jesse!” Marlene snapped, tears welling in her eyes again. “I thought she loved me. You know, like a normal mom. Like your mom loves you, and Papi’s mom loves him, and Daddy’s mom loves him. But no, my mom doesn’t love me! I got it now, okay? Do you know how that feels, to know your own mom doesn’t even want to hang out with you?”

The room was silent as Marley cried quietly and Jesse watched her. Rafael felt tempted to fill in the silence, but held his tongue, hoping the girls would solve it on their own. And after a moment, Jesse stood up and walked across the room, taking a seat next to Marlene. “I don’t know how that feels,” she said, taking Marley’s hand in hers, “but I know how it feels to have a dad who doesn’t want to hang out with you. And it hurts a lot, and I cry a lot about it, too. Heck, you know that’s why I love Uncle Sonny so much. If I can’t have my own dad, I get to kind of share one of yours. Because he’s so nice, but also because you’re so nice, Marley. You’ve been one of my friends practically since we were babies. And I know it annoys you, but you share your dad anyway, and I never tell you this, but I think it’s very, very kind of you.”

Marley turned her head toward Jesse and smiled shyly. “Yeah. I try not to get jealous ‘cause I know you don’t have a dad at home.”

“And isn’t my mom kinda like a mom to you too? I mean, she takes you places and took you for your first bra, and talked to your dads about getting you all that girl stuff…” They both giggled. “I can share my mom too, Marley. You love her, don’t you?”

Marley thought about it briefly, about how Amanda had always been there and helped her so many times, in so many ways. “Yeah, I do. Do you think she’d mind if I think of her like that? I asked her once, when I was little, but I don’t think she ever told me, so I try not to do it. I don’t wanna make her feel weird.”

Jesse nudged her in the shoulder. “She won’t care. She’d love it. Between me and Billie, she’d be thrilled to have a kid with good grades, talent, and no detentions. You even eat vegetables without bitch--...I mean, complaining,” she added, glancing at Rafael, who smiled.

Both girls giggled again, and Rafael stood. “I’m going to get dinner started. Daddy will be home soon, and one of us will take you home then, Jess. Okay?”

“Okay, Uncle Rafi. Thanks.”

He left the girls still sitting on Marlene’s bed, giggling and whispering secrets.

***

“You know, it’s funny. I never wanted to meet you in the first place, and yet I can’t get you out of my life.”

Renata smiled at Sonny’s observation and adjusted her glasses. “So tell me why you’re here this time, Mr. Barba-Carisi.”

Sonny sighed heavily. “I had a stroke last month. Very mild, they say. I’m in physical and occupational therapy, but I’m still forgetting things and still having balance issues. My personality has changed some, Rafael says, but I’m not sure if it’s due to my brain or just being so fucking irritated AT my brain. But I’m snippy and bitchy, to the point that my kid ran away.” Seeing Renata’s eyes grow large, he nodded. “Yep. Upset her enough she ran away. Not the proudest moment of my life.”

“Hmm. That’s interesting. So Marlene is how old now? Ten? Eleven?” she asked, jotting notes on her legal pad.

“Ten.”

“And where did she run to? I’m assuming she’s back home--”

Sonny sighed again. “To her birth mother’s, in the Bronx. She got the address off of a card or something that the woman had sent us. And yeah, Rafi went and got her, brought her right back. I have trouble remembering details, but it didn’t go how she expected it to--Rafi said she was very upset. The three of us hung out together all day Monday and that was awesome. Brunch and fun stuff. We saw a movie…”

Renata smiled. “So what makes you think she ran away because of you, Sonny? It sounds like she wanted to see her mom.”

He shook his head. “Because I was really mean. I said mean things. She also said in her note that I was mean to her.” He was quiet for a moment, then continued. “I don’t remember the things I said, only the feelings I was having when I said them. I remember feeling irritable, frustrated...and I didn’t want her to know that I couldn’t remember or do the things she’d asked me about. Like she wanted me to make pancakes and I couldn’t remember how. I got so...so, I don’t know, embarrassed.”

She nodded. “Why do you think that was?”

He shook his head again. “No idea.”

She rephrased the question. “Well, what do you think would embarrass you about not being able to remember how to make pancakes? Why was that important?”

“Because we did it every Sunday, since she was a toddler.” He suddenly smiled. “I remember putting her in her high chair when she was just an itty bitty thing, having her stir. And she’d be covered in flour from head to toe, batter in her hair, and it was the best thing ever. Rafi couldn’t stand it, didn’t have the patience to put up with the mess, but I’d just look at the twinkle in those green eyes of hers and hear that beautiful little giggle, and it was worth it every time. She could make ‘em by herself by the time she was six or so, just needed supervision with the skillet. She started this thing where she didn’t like the blueberry juice streaking the pancakes, so she’d wait until she poured the batter in the pan, then sprinkle the berries on top. She figured it out all by herself, too. She was so proud of herself that day.” He chuckled. “That was around the time we started venturing into making smoothies together. There were a couple of years that Marley Mae had a smoothie for breakfast every single school morning, she loved them so much. We’d work out all kinds of recipes, especially figuring out ones that had veggies and protein that we both enjoyed. She’s such a smart kid. She’s learned how to cook a lot of the italian stuff that my ma and nonni taught me, and she’s good at it. She cracks me up, she can also cook several cuban dishes, and Rafael says she’s legitimately very good, better even than his mom at some of ‘em.” He was smiling now, thoughts full of memories.

“It sounds like cooking has been a love language between you and Marlene...one of the ways you show your love for one another,” Renata commented.

Sonny nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah. And we do it on the sly all the time too, just makin’ snacks or drinks or whatever to cheer each other up or just to play…”

“It must have been overwhelming to realize you couldn’t remember how to show your daughter that love.” Renata’s eyes met his, steady, as he processed her words. Suddenly the emotions of Sunday morning flew back to him, and he felt his heart begin to pound brutally fast.

“Yeah. Yeah it was. It was awful,” he said now, and closed his eyes, feeling the fear and anger and loss all over again.

“Tell me how it felt.”

“It was...I don’t know, I was scared. Scared I couldn’t remember anything...embarrassed that she would think I was an idiot for forgetting something so important.”

“Scared and embarrassed...good...what else?” Renata pushed, and he rubbed a finger between his eyes.

“Uh, I don’t know...angry? Yeah, I was angry. It was something else my stupid brain was taking from me...I felt mad. I took it out on her because I was mad. I yelled at her and told her to leave me alone...and then I went to my room and cried...I cried, I think I cried because I was afraid it wouldn’t come back, and it was something big, something important...I didn’t want to lose something so important to my daughter…”

Renata’s voice was quiet but direct. “To your daughter or to yourself?”

He pressed his fingers over his eyes. “To myself. Important to myself.” He laughed hollowly. “Those memories of her...as a baby, in the high chair, and then later in the kitchen, making pancakes and smoothies and cookies...what if I lost them all? What if I have another stroke and lose them all?” His throat swelled tight and he choked out, “What if I lose the memory of my husband and my little girl? I don’t want to lose my daughter.”

She passed him a box of tissues.


	12. Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael cleared his throat, laying the pieces in front of an empty seat. “I believe this used to be Marley’s family book...you know, the one you and I spent so much time making, about how our family came to be? Would I be correct, Marlene?” 
> 
> She wasn’t looking at him; instead, she added a couple pancakes to her plate, then reached for the butter. “That’s just part of it,” she said, as though it were no big deal. “Don’t worry. The part with you guys is still safe and looks good.”
> 
> Sonny closed his eyes, trying for the life of him to remember what was in that book. He had a vague recollection of it; he and Rafael had worked to put together a scrapbook of Marley’s adoption and family. If he had to guess, she’d probably done something with pages involving her birth mom. “What did you do?” he asked her, then poured some syrup.
> 
> She shrugged. “She doesn’t want me, so I got rid of everything in there that made it sound like she ever wanted me. She’s a lying bitch and I don’t ever want to see her again.”
> 
> *****
> 
> Sonny gets the opportunity to be the kind of dad he really is, and Marlene is able to lean on both her dads again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! There should be an epilogue after this chapter, to wind this fic up.
> 
> The family book that they talk about in this chapter is one that Rafael and Sonny created in Marley Turns Five, ch.3. It's a scrapbook of sorts that she received on her fifth birthday. It's not mentioned here, but Rafael commented back then that he has the "originals" of everything filed safely away. I made the mistake as a mom of a non-biological child, of making a box for one of my kids containing photos, letters, and momentos of the child's birth mom. The box got destroyed a couple years later when the child got very angry with the birth mom, and I did not have extra copies. Some of the only baby photos we had of that child were destroyed that day, but I don't blame the child. It was my lack of experience and foresight. So if you're ever in a similar situation, don't be like me. Be like Rafael, lol!
> 
> I really do love and appreciate your comments and kudos, and they mean a lot to me. I hope you've enjoyed this fic! Don't forget the epilogue--hopefully I"ll get that up tomorrow.

“You gonna want chocolate chips or Heath bar?” Marley asked Sonny as she stood over the pancakes. He was chopping up a heath bar, getting it ready.

“I think I’m gonna go with Heath bar today,” he told her. “Okay...now I set the table, correct? Just trying to remember our routine…”

“You’re right, Daddy. I finish this and you set the table. We’ll be ready in a few minutes!” She turned around, impulsively hugging him. “Thanks for checking, Daddy. I’m so proud of you!”

Since Sonny had started seeing Renata, he’d been more on top of things. He kept a notebook with him, where he could jot down questions as well as the answers to things he frequently forgot. He’d also figured out he needed to come clean with his daughter.

_ “Dolly, I need to talk to you for a minute,” he said, hanging in her doorway. _

_ “Okay, sure.” She sat up on her bed and he came in, joining her. _

_ “I need to explain to you why I’ve been so rude and ugly lately--” _

_ “I know,” she interrupted him. “You hit your head and have trouble remembering things, and it makes you scared and upset.” She began to bite her nail. “That’s what Papi said.” _

_ “That’s some of it. But what I’ve figured out is that I sometimes get really scared I’m going to forget everything, or that the things I can’t remember right now will never come back. I would be devastated if I couldn’t remember all the special things we’ve done. When I couldn’t remember the pancakes, and how we always did them, or how to make them, I was embarrassed, but I wasn’t scared I couldn’t make pancakes. I was scared I’d never remember something that had been incredibly important to me--spending that time with you. Do you understand?” _

_ She nodded. “Mmhmm! I think so now. But Daddy, I can help you, you know! I can remind you if you want...and it’s okay if you forget, ‘cause we can do it again, and maybe you’ll remember that one. Or we could use your camera and record it, so you can watch it later! Then even if your forget it, you can see it again!” _

They’d been putting a combination of techniques together, and Sonny was doing better overall. Fewer outbursts, fewer crying jags, less anxiety and depression. __ Now he set the table for the three of them, and then called his husband for breakfast.

Marlene and Sonny were just about settled at the table when Rafael came in, holding some torn and cut up scrapbook pages. “What’s that?” Sonny asked as he helped himself to a pancake.

Rafael cleared his throat, laying the pieces in front of an empty seat. “I believe this used to be Marley’s family book...you know, the one you and I spent so much time making, about how our family came to be? Would I be correct, Marlene?” 

She wasn’t looking at him; instead, she added a couple pancakes to her plate, then reached for the butter. “That’s just part of it,” she said, as though it were no big deal. “Don’t worry. The part with you guys is still safe and looks good.”

Sonny closed his eyes, trying for the life of him to remember what was in that book. He had a vague recollection of it; he and Rafael had worked to put together a scrapbook of Marley’s adoption and family. If he had to guess, she’d probably done something with pages involving her birth mom. “What did you do?” he asked her, then poured some syrup.

She shrugged. “She doesn’t want me, so I got rid of everything in there that made it sound like she ever wanted me. She’s a lying bitch and I don’t ever want to see her again.”

“Whoa, back it up,” Rafael said, holding out one palm and sitting in his chair. “First, it seems that you’ve decided that bitch belongs in your vocabulary. It doesn’t. From this moment on, I don’t want to hear it leave your mouth. Understand?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah. But she is. Would you rather I call her what I REALLY wanna call her, Papi? A goddamn fucking lying bitch?” For a second, she looked shocked at her own words, then she giggled. “Okay, I won’t say that.”

Rafael shook his head. “Thank you, mija. I know that’s how you feel, and you can feel however you need to feel, but I don’t want to hear that, okay?”

“Yeah. I won’t.”

“Next,” he continued, “I need you to bring the book here so that I can see what’s left of it. Marlene, that was a family book. It wasn’t your book to destroy--”

“You wanna keep it?” Marley cried. “You heard what she said! She said she doesn’t love me! That she could never be my mom!” She stabbed her pancake with her fork, then rested her head in her hand, elbow on the table, and Rafael knew she was about to cry.

“Marlene,” He reached over and rubbed her shoulder. “I did not hear her say she didn’t love you. What I heard her say was that she does not see herself as your mother. When she placed you for adoption, she stopped seeing herself as your parent.”

“I still hate her,” Marley mumbled. “I tore up her picture and her letters. I don’t need that crap in my life.”

Sonny choked on his pancake, trying not to laugh at her mature phrasing, and they both glared at him. “Sorry.”

“Honey, I really wish you hadn’t done that. Now what are you going to do when you calm down, if you decide later you wish you still had those things?”

She shrugged. “I won’t want them. Why would I want letters full of lies from a person who never wanted me? I love my real family pictures in there, and I love that I have a special book. But anything about her, you can take it out and burn it. I don’t wanna see it ever again. Same with her stupid ugly photo in my room. I already took care of that one too.”

Rafael knew he should let it go, but…”Took care of it?”

“Let’s just say her outsides match her insides now.” Marley said with a sly grin, and Rafael made a mental note to dig through the trash. He deserved to see that masterpiece. “Hey, at least I didn’t use it as toilet paper, Papi. I didn’t wanna clog up the toilet. That wouldn’t be fair to you guys.”

Sonny had been watching the conversation at the table, listening to his daughter angrily spew hatred and his husband try to encourage her to be more mature. “If Grammy had ever told me she never wanted to be my mom, I think my feelings would be very, very hurt. Even if I was adopted by another family. Those are words that are very painful.”

“Yeah!” Marlene agreed vehemently, as though somebody finally understood her. Her countenance immediately changed, reflecting the hurt and pain she felt, and her eyes filled with tears again. Sonny reached over and patted her back. “You know, the fact that you are our daughter doesn’t change the fact that it hurt to hear those words. And you have every right to feel all of that hurt and disappointment, and even anger. I hope you’ll keep talking with us about it, Marlene. Destroying things that remind you of Corrine might feel good for a minute, but it won’t get all that hurt and disappointment and anger out.”

“So how do I do it?” Marley asked frustratedly. “I’m just a kid. This is a lot to feel inside. Sometimes my insides feel so, so big...like they’re gonna explode, Daddy. And I don’t know what to do.”

Rafael and Sonny looked at each other. “You keep talking to the people in your life who do love you and want to be there. You talk to me and Papi, to your grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. You talk to your friends and to Amy. And you enjoy the family that loves you and wants you, because there’s a whole bunch of us that love the fool outta you, girl.” Sonny grinned at her shy smile, then tickled her side and she jumped in her seat. “Let us love you through it, honey. That’s what we’re here for, is to be Team Marlene.”

“Is that what you’re doing when you feel mad and scared, Daddy?” she asked. “Trying to let your family help you more?”

He nodded. “It’s what I’m trying to do. What I’m trying to remember to do. Sometimes we all need a reminder that we’re not alone.” 

“I love both of you,” Rafael added. “You’re my favorite people, and I’m so sorry you’re both in pain. I feel your pain and I wish I could take it away. And if there’s anything, anything at all that I can do to make it better, just tell me and I will. You two are my everything.”

Sonny leaned over and kissed Rafael gently on the lips. “I love you, Rafi. Thanks for never giving up on me.”

“Me too,” Marley added, climbing out of her chair and pushing her body between her dads until they were all three chuckling and hugging. “Is it bad that I still feel sad that I don’t have a mom?”

“It’s not bad,” Rafael told her. “But what it means is that you’re going to have to choose one on your own one day, when you find the one you want. Some people are born to a family, and some people pick their families. You’ll get to pick when you find the right one.”

“How will I know she’s the right one?” Marley asked, confused.

“You’ll just know,” Sonny answered her. “Just like we knew you would be the right baby. And Pru would be the right dog.”

“And Papi would be the right husband?” she asked.

“Kinda. I had to audition him first, but he passed. He got the rose.”

“Lucky for me,” Rafael teased.

“Nah, lucky for me,” Sonny teased back, and kissed Rafael’s hand.

“Seriously, guys, lucky for ME, cause if that didn’t happen, who knows where I’d be right now, specially since Corrine doesn’t want me.” Marlene’s brow furrowed, and the three grew quiet. “Before I ran away I knew I loved my family and I knew you guys loved me, but I didn’t know how special that is. You don’t get a promise that somebody’s gonna love you right, do you, guys? There’s lots of people who don’t know how to love family, I guess...like Corrine, but also like Jesse’s dad Declan, or Papi, even your papi Miguel. I guess I keep thinkin’ now about how lucky I am to have two parents who know how to love a kid and really want her in their family. And to tell her that lots. And I guess it’s kinda cool that one day I can pick a mom if I want. Or not. Maybe I’ll just keep two dads.” She smiled at them then, and Rafael pressed a firm kiss to her cheek.

Somebody was finally gaining some clarity, he thought proudly.


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This never gets old,” Sonny sighed later, in the afterglow. Rafael was gently pressing kisses across his husband’s clavicle. Sonny’s fingers made their way into Rafael’s hair, and he stroked gently. “Loving you is beautiful, Rafael.”
> 
> Rafael smiled, then kissed one of Sonny’s nipples. “I love you, Soleado.” He tangled his legs with Sonny’s so they were wrapped together snugly. “You are so long, baby,” Rafael mused, feeling relaxed and high and at peace. “So very, very long. I love long men.”
> 
> They both lay silently for a moment, then Sonny burst into giggles and Rafael followed. “Long men,” Sonny snorted. “You’re so high.”
> 
> *****
> 
> They're happy and high and in love. And things go pretty well for their kid, who's on a sleepover, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of this fic! If you're new to my fics, you probably need to know that they tend to never end completely neatly, for a couple reasons. First, life isn't like that. But second, there'll be another fic after this one that'll focus on something else in their lives. Their story goes on.
> 
> You may pick up in here a brief bit relating to the pandemic, which I have purposely left out of their fics until now. So they're basically a year behind us in time.
> 
> Also, just to be clear, these two are not regular pot smokers. They lit up on New Year's when the story started, and again in the epilogue, when it ends, roughly at the end of February, and nothing in between. As Sonny infers, Lucia is happy to be their supplier if it means that Rafael is loosening up some and relaxing. I envision that even now, with a better, less demanding job, he's still got high blood pressure issues because he's so tightly wound.
> 
> As always, thanks for hanging with me and reading along! I hope you enjoyed it and will tune in for the next one, whatever it may be!

“I will always love date nights,” Rafael mused, taking a hit off the joint, then passing it over to Sonny. “I can’t believe you still had this joint left over from New Year’s!”

“I know, right?” Sonny replied, taking a hit himself and then regarding it as though it were something precious. “I’ll have to ask Mami for another one.” He grinned, then added, “She said I can have as many as I want if it means you’re smoking and relaxing on occasion.”

“Oh, you’re so funny.” He leaned back and watched the stars in the sky, then slowly turned to admire his husband. Sonny was doing much better now, It was almost March, nearly two full months since he had his brain injury, and he had slowly returned to work. He wasn’t back to prosecuting cases alone, but he had been very successful in sitting second chair on some big cases, and the DA had promised they would continue to find appropriate work for him to do until he could return to trying cases independently. But the biggest change had been his smile. He smiled more. He laughed more. And he talked with Marlene a lot. Rafael watched him now, his beautiful ice blue eyes narrowing as he toked, and Rafael had a sudden desire to pull him into the bedroom, right this minute.

“What?” Sonny asked, chuckling. “You’re looking shady. What are you thinking, sexy?”

Rafael grinned again. “I think it’s time for some daddy love,” he teased. “You ready to finish that and go to bed?”

Sonny took one more hit, then offered it to Rafael, who took it, inhaled once deeply, then put it out. Sonny stood and held out his hand, and Rafael took it, and they went back inside, closing the door behind them.

“This never gets old,” Sonny sighed later, in the afterglow. Rafael was gently pressing kisses across his husband’s clavicle. Sonny’s fingers made their way into Rafael’s hair, and he stroked gently. “Loving you is beautiful, Rafael.”

Rafael smiled, then kissed one of Sonny’s nipples. “I love you, Soleado.” He tangled his legs with Sonny’s so they were wrapped together snugly. “You are so long, baby,” Rafael mused, feeling relaxed and high and at peace. “So very, very long. I love long men.”

They both lay silently for a moment, then Sonny burst into giggles and Rafael followed. “Long men,” Sonny snorted. “You’re so high.”

“I am,” Rafael admitted, stretching out blissfully. “I’m high and I love my very long, lovely husband. Wanna suck my dick?”

Sonny laughed again. “Happily. You are so thick, baby. So very, very thick.” He teased Rafael’s cock, running a finger around the tip as Rafael continued to giggle. “I love thick men!”

“Mmm, I know you do,” Rafael sighed as Sonny took him in his mouth, sucking gently. “That’s so nice, Sonny...do you ever wish I was longer?”

Sonny slurped and popped off the end. “Your body or your dick? Never mind, it doesn’t matter, because the answer is you’re perfection. A god among men.” He sucked the end, loudly moaning. “So sexy. Look at this thing. We should photograph it, send it to Walgreen’s. Make a poster of it--”

“And you say I’m high,” Rafael giggled, twisting his fingers in Sonny’s hair. 

***

“Hey,” Amanda said softly to Marlene, “you’re still awake, huh?”

Marley was lying next to Jesse in her double bed. Jesse was facing the wall, snoring softly, and Marley nodded to answer Amanda’s question.

“You wanna come out here, since you’re not sleeping? We could have a snack, talk.”

Marley nodded again and quietly climbed out of bed. 

She’d been supposed to spend the night with Grammy and Grampy tonight, but Grampy wasn’t feeling well--he was running a fever and coughing a lot, Grammy said, and she was worried he might have that weird pandemic thing everyone kept talking about. So Daddy had called Amanda, and Marlene had happily come here. 

Sliding into her slippers, she grabbed the throw she’d brought from her house and went into Amanda’s living room. Amanda was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels on the remote, and smiled when she saw Marley. “Here you go,” she offered, handing the remote over, “you pick out whatever you want, as long as it won’t traumatize me.” Marley grinned and quickly switched the channel to Ren and Stimpy, a specialty for late nights.

“Ah, yes,” Amanda sighed. “I remember this well. You want a snack or a drink or anything?”

“Sure,” Marlene said. “Whatever is fine.”

“Sweet or salty?”

“Sweet.”

Amanda returned a few minutes later, handing Marley a box of cookies and a glass of milk. “I realize you’ve probably never seen this before,” she explained, taking a seat next to her, “but that’s called a box of cookies. When people who don’t bake cookies want some, they go to the store and buy them in this contraption called a box.”

Marlene giggled, taking a bite of an oreo. “You can’t bake oreos, Auntie “Manda. We have to buy those too.”

“You’re kidding! I’m so disappointed in Sonny. I’d figured he would have made homemade Oreos by now.” She twisted one open and began to lick the cream inside. “Oh, see? You’re a dipper. I’d eat the whole bag way too fast if I dipped.”

Marley giggled again, then ate the other half of her cookie.

“So what are you thinkin’ these days about your mother?” Amanda asked nonchalantly, as though it were everyday conversation. She saw Marlene put the cookie in her hand down on her leg, and hoped she wasn’t shutting down. “You’ve got to still be mad about it...or hurt, anyway.”

“Daddy told you what she said to me?” she asked, but didn’t look up.

“No. Jesse did. She was really angry that Corrine had hurt you so much.” That was mainly true. Jesse had told her, and was mad that Marlene had been hurt, but that was more because she felt that Marley had been led to believe something different initially.

Marley sat, frozen for a moment, before reaching again for her cookie. “Well, I don’t care. I pretty much hate her right now. I’m never gonna see her again and I don’t want to. I don’t need a mom. I have two great dads who would do anything for me. They would DIE for me,” she finished, looking directly at Amanda, and Amanda wondered if she was challenging her to argue. “Besides, one day if I decide I want a mom, I can pick one,” Marley continued after a moment. “That’s what Papi told me, and he’s right. I mean, Papi’s made it through his whole life without another dad, and he had an awful one.” She shook her head. “You should hear some of the things Miguel did, especially when he was drunk…” She chewed up part of her cookie. “I’d tell you, but it’s confidential and it might embarrass Papi. Anyway, if he can make it without a decent dad, I can make it with two fantastic fathers and no mom.”

“Well, that’s true, I suppose,” Amanda commented, taking a bite from a chocolate wafer.

“Besides, look at Jesse. I mean, she doesn’t have a dad. She just has you, and she’s okay. I mean, I know she’s sad sometimes, and when she gets sad she hangs out with Daddy. And it’s okay, you know?” She took a drink of milk.

“I am really, really glad that Jesse has your dad in her life. Both of your dads, and you. You all are such special people to her, and you’re definitely her chosen family. You know, Marley, I know you say you don’t need a mom, and maybe you don’t. But I sometimes wonder if you miss having a female to talk to about things...you know, about growing up, and clothes and makeup, or your body changing, or friends, or anything. I know you have two terrific grandmas, but that’s a little different, isn’t it?”

Marley was nibbling on the edges of her cookie, listening, and everything coming out of her Aunt Amanda’s mouth seemed to be jumping straight onto her heart. All of the things Auntie ‘Manda said, she missed. All of it and more. “Yeah,” she said quietly. “It’s different.”

Carefully, Amanda continued. “If you’d ever like to talk to me about mom stuff, I’d be happy to listen, and to help if you need it. I know you asked me once, when you were a little girl, if I could be your mom, and we never really decided.” She shifted, pulling her legs up into a criss cross position. “Marley, I’m already a mom of two girls, and I love you. I would love to be part of your chosen family, whether you think of me as Mom or a pretend mom, or whatever. I just want to help. I also talked to your dads about this, so they would know what I was gonna talk to you about and to make sure it was okay with them.”

“Papi didn’t think I should see Corrine,” Marley said. “I think he was right. But he said this was okay? It’s okay if I choose you to be a mom for me?”

Amanda nodded. “Yep. And also, you don’t have to choose me to be your mom forever. You may decide later that you don’t need me as a mom anymore, and that’s okay. Some relationships are like that. But I love you very much, and I would really like for you to be my chosen daughter, if that’s okay.”

Marley’s eyes went wide and she slowly smiled. “You  _ want  _ me? You want me to be your chosen daughter?”

Amanda nodded again. “I do.

“I like that. I think I’d really like to be your chosen daughter...and for you to be my chosen mom.” The smile behind her cookie was a big one. “This is pretty cool.”

Amanda chuckled. “I think so too.” She picked up her glass. “Toast?”

“Sure.” Marley picked up her own glass. “To my new chosen mom.”

“And my chosen daughter,” Amanda added, as their glasses clinked.


End file.
